The Void Inside Me

There is a void inside me. It’s been there for as long as I can remember. Most days the effects of this void are minimum. It’s like a emptiness that I know is there but isn’t really affecting me to a point where I can’t just ignore it. On the rare occasions, it even feels like it doesn’t exist at all. But then there are the days where the void’s emptiness is so overwhelming that it feels like i’m being swallowed by it. Like quick sand, the harder I try to fight the feeling of dread and nothingness as it begins to wash over me, the quicker it grows until I’m left sitting there, feeling numb and lost. Having this strong sense that I am longing for something but having no idea what that something could be. For years, I have tried to find that something that would fill this void but every time I believe I have found the missing piece to my soul, slowly the void returns, leaving an empty hole once again.

When I was younger, I remember I thought the answer to filling this emptiness was trivial things.

“If I could just own that purse, I will be happy”

“If he would just date me, I would feel so complete”

“If I could only own this type of pet, I would be filled with joy”

Of course, none of these things were the answer I was looking for. None of these things fulfilled me in the way I desperately wanted to be fulfilled.

I would also think maybe changing who I was was the right way to go. I would constantly change my appearance, my style, even my outlook on life, believing if I just kept changing things, something would stick and fill the void but that never was the case.

“If only I had long blonde hair, then everyone would love me”

“If only I was skinnier and wore tighter clothing, then the boys would notice me”

“If I get contacts, then i’ll feel beautiful”

But no matter what I did, in the end, I still felt empty. I still struggled to connect with the face looking back at me in the mirror. Knowing physically this girl was me but not feeling any emotional connection to her.

As I got older, I believed the answer I was looking for would be found in major life events. I was convinced that the huge changes that come into your life as you become an adult would surely be my solution. And on the day I married my soulmate, my best friend, it really felt like I had discovered the missing piece. Somehow, despite all I had been through and how broken I felt, I found someone who loved me for the perfectly imperfect person I was. Who knew my flaws better then anyone and still wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Who looked forward to starting a family with me. Everything I had dreamed of as a child was now in my grasp. How could there still be a void after all of that? And for a while, it looked like I was correct. Like the void in me had been filled by love.

But as time went on, I noticed that void slowly begin to open once again. I watched as my health began to slip away and with each new symptom and diagnosis, the hole grew. I desperately tried to hold it all together still. I focused on filling my life with the things I loved and cherished. On building my family and the life I had always dreamed of having. Even after knowing I could no longer work due to my illnesses, I stayed strong. We rescued a tiny puppy and then, not even a full year later, I brought home my service dog prospect. Something I never thought I would need but once I knew I did, never thought would materialize. Yet, it had.

I thought it would work, but it didn’t. That void was still there, some days feeling stronger then it had in years. A sense of nothingness, of numbness. With my health failing me and being unable to provide for my family because of it, I thought if only I could get approved for disability. If that could happen, then I would not feel so much like a failure and that void wouldn’t feel so deep. I had always said I would be content being a house wife so getting disability would allow that to happen. How could that not make this void disappear?

But the day I got that phone call saying I was approved for disability, a wave of mixed emotions washed over me, both positive and negative. Something I thought was my answer seemed to make the void deeper somehow. Causing me to sit here more lost then I ever was before. Causing me to wonder, what in my life will fill this void?

Will having our own house and living on our own fill it?

What about getting pregnant and bringing my child into this world? Something I have dreamed about for as long as I can remember. Something that once felt so certain but now I fear everyday may never happen because of my health.

Will becoming a mental/chronic illness influencer and blogger do the job?

How about an author? Publishing my poetry and novels for all to see.

Or am I destined to always be longing for this something? To always feel like there is a piece missing from my life. To feel numb, empty, longing for true happiness.

And then my mind begins to fear that I gave up something that was the answer, either by choice or due to my health.

Would have completing a 4 year degree and becoming a teacher been my answer?

What about becoming a school psychologist and a theater director? Would that had helped?

What if I followed my dream of being an actress?

Would that kind of stardom been the missing puzzle piece to this jigsaw I call my life?

I guess i’ll never know for sure. But man is it hard not to wonder.

On days where the void is so strong, it’s like it’s hard to even take a breath. Because with each breath, this sense of emptiness is overwhelming.

And the last thought that crosses my mind is where did this void even come from?

What burned a hole so big into the soul of such a happy little girl? Because that is what I was as a kid, always smiling, happy as can be and just living her life to the fullest. So what happened?

Was it my dad and mom divorcing when I was just 5 years old? My dad telling me he was leaving after giving me such an amazing day.

Was it hardly seeing him after that, even though at the time, he only lived 10 minutes from me?

What about my mother? Someone who was physically there for me and tried to give me the best life she could but often acted more like a best friend then the mother a child needs. Could that have done it?

Or did it happen after my grandpa passed away, right before I would turn 13? Surely losing a father figure in your life, someone you saw every day, at a time where you desperately need guidance could create such a hole.

What about the bullying I went through? Elementary, middle, and of course, high school. Always the same old thing, never feeling good enough, always being put down or made fun of for my appearance or personality. Taunts of “Teachers pet” still ringing in my ears. Having friends you would do anything for putting you down time and time again. Getting betrayed and hurt over and over.

And then there are my relationships. Could they have contributed to the crater that wrecks havoc in my life?

My first love being an on and off again roller coaster ride. Always jumping between me and another girl, always feeling like a second choice but so in love that I was content with not being first.

And then my second love leaving me with so much mental and emotional damage. Accepting the fact that the love you had for him blinded you to the mental and verbal abuse you put up with time and time again. Giving him everything, every part of me and receiving nothing but hurt in return. The words he’d say still piercing my heart, like a snake’s fangs. Words that I believed were true. Words that I sometimes still believe are true. Something so simple triggering me, reminding me of how worthless he made me feel. But remembering I would have done anything for him because my love was that strong.

Could that have been what caused the ground to break?

And then there is my health. Being plagued with not one but two autoimmune disorders as a young adult. Unable to do simple tasks such as brushing my hair anymore without pain. Is that what caused this deep void within me?

Maybe. But more than likely, it is a combination of all of the above plus more that I experienced that has created this hole in my soul.

Maybe the answer isn’t finding something to fill the hole, but rather, letting go of all these traumas I have gone through in my 24 years of life.

Maybe if I can face these demons that I have locked behind a door and let them go, I would feel free.

Maybe by accepting what has happened to me, understanding they have made me the person I am today and also realizing I am not in those situations anymore, that I am safe now, will cause the void to begin to close.

Maybe I can start feeling what true happiness is without having this crushing weight of my past on my shoulders. A weight that feels as heavy as cinder blocks constantly dragging me down.

I don’t know if letting go is the answer I have been searching for. I don’t know what that answer is but I do know, that is the next step I am choosing to take.

It’s time to stop holding on to my past.

It’s time to stop obsessing over how I thought my future would be.

It’s time to forgive my younger self for the mistakes she made and remember, I am not that same girl today.

It’s time to forgive the ones in my life who have hurt me.

It’s time to move on.

It’s time to let go.

What We Are Told

All lives matter, this is true

Except if mental and chronic illness plagues you

Except if you’re a woman, trying to find your way in this world

Except if you’re a boy who loves a boy, or a girl who loves a girl

Except if your skin is not the color of white

Except if you’re homeless and have to sleep outside at night

Except if you’re Trans, Queer, or Bi

Except if bullying causes you to commit suicide 

Except if you’re an animal, except if you’re a plant

Except if you’re an insect, like a tiny ant

Except if you’re in a pandemic, and the chance of the illness hurting you is small

Those lives don’t matter, the virus is only killing the old and already sick after all

Except if you’re an immigrant just looking for a new life

Except if you’re deaf or have no sight 

Except if you’re someone who has been assaulted, raped or abused

Except if you’re an addict to drugs or booze 

Except if you’re disabled, poor or old

But all lives matter is what we are still told

Change starts with you

America is called the land of the free

That’s funny because that’s not what I see

I’m scared for this world in which we live

Sitting here just wondering when will it all give

We live in a world consumed by hate

Don’t people realize it’s wrong to discriminate?

Why does the color of his skin determine his life?

Why must she constantly live with fright?

Afraid every day that she is going to die

Scared that his life will end in a homicide

For in this country if you’re not white

It seems every day you have to fight

Fight for just basic human rights 

Won’t someone tell me how that is right!

Our black brothers and sisters have to live in fear

Each day they are crying more and more tears

For people who swore to protect mankind

Are killing people of color time after time

And each time it happens, we demand change

But somehow things just remain the same

And more innocent lives are taken from this world

Black men, women, boys, and girls

Killed in tragic, unjustful ways

Killed for just going about their day

Murdered for no other reason then the color of their skin

Leaving behind their grieving kin

Wives losing their husbands, mothers losing their sons

People losing their loved ones at the hand of guns

Corrupted cops being too rough and using their knees

Listening to the cries and desperate pleas

Not even stopping when he says “I can’t breathe”

How many more innocent lives must we lose?

How many more times are we going to let them get abused?

Now is the time to stand up and fight

Fight for them, fight for what is right

I may not be black, but this much is true

I see, hear, and grieve for you

And I will fight right by your side

Fight for all black lives

Because we are all creations of God 

Everyone of us beautiful and worthy of love

Sent to this earth from our Father above

No one’s skin color should decide

Whether that person lives or dies

Change must happen, this is true, and that change starts with you

A part of me

Why can’t I just be normal, oh why can’t I just be sane

I’m sick of these thoughts, these worries constantly in my brain

All they do is make life harder for everyone, especially myself

And no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to get help

The anxiety is so strong it takes over my life

The depression so overwhelming I want to grab a knife

I want to stop the constant pain I feel inside

I want to curl up into a ball and find some place to hide

A place no one will ever find me

A place where I can’t hurt the ones I love you see

Oh why can’t these feelings just disappear

I’m sick of the worrying,the sadness and fear

I just want to be happy, is that so hard to ask

I never imagined being joyful would be such a hard task

For it seems everyday tears fall from my eyes

And on some days, I just want to die

Believing only in death will I finally be free

And that everyone would be much better off without me

I know these thoughts are awful and untrue

But some days the pain is too strong, i’m just too blue

Too blinded by the pain to see the beauty in my life

Too stuck in the darkness to see even a glimmer of light

Oh how I long to be normal, how I long to be free

But deep down I know, a normal life will never be for me

I’ll never be free from the demons within my mind

Even if they leave I know they will return time after time

Because I know in my heart, though it’s heartbreaking to see

Anxiety and Depression will always be a part of me

Drowning

Drowning

 

I feel like everyday I’m slipping farther and farther away and no matter how hard I try to stay happy and confident, the water always pulls me back down.

I’m drowning, gasping for air but no one can help me.

People try to, my fiance, my mom, my grandma, my therapist, my friends, yet it’s no use.

I continue to drown and lash out.

That happy future I once planned feels like a distant memory now, distorted by the dark murky water.

How can I ever be happy?

Looking from the outside, you’d never know.

My facade has only improved with time.

I appear happy, confident with myself.

Perfect fiance, perfect family, perfect home, perfect life.

However, if you look into my eyes, you’d see the truth.

You’d see a depressed girl, longing to belong, longing to be loved and nurtured.

A girl who knows how lucky she is but whose depression and anger overpowers all the good in her life.

Someone who lashes out at the ones she loves most and then hates herself for it afterwards. I’m drowning and I’m scared that one day, I won’t be strong enough to make it back up for air. That i’ll try but my strength will give out and I’ll sink to the bottom of the sea.

The voice inside my head gets stronger everyday, constantly pushing me back down whenever I emerge from the water.

Like an icy cold bony hand, the words grip my wrist and drag me back down.

You’re worthless, you’re ugly, you’re stupid, you’re fat, you mess up everything,

you don’t deserve love, you don’t deserve happiness, you deserve to be alone,

you deserve to feel pain, you’re nothing but a heartless bitch, you deserve to be hurt,

everyone would be better off without you, you will never belong, you don’t even deserve to live, you will never be a good wife, you will be a horrible mother, just kill yourself already, just end it.

Everyday the voice shouts these words, louder and louder and I become weaker and weaker. I’m drowning and I don’t know how much longer I can continue to breath when water keeps engulfing my lungs.

I long for someone to help me, to save me from the voice and the icy cold sea but deep down I know only I can save myself from its clutches.

There are times though that I question if I can. If I can truly break free from my mind.

Somedays, I feel like giving up.

I feel like letting my mind drag me down until I sink so far that there is no chance of reaching the surface again.

I know I can not do this though.

No, I can’t let the voice win.

I need to fight until my very last breath.

I’m drowning, but I refuse to sink.

Roller Coaster

Roller coaster

 

Like a roller coaster out of control is how she felt

The highs were amazing but she knew the lows soon would be dealt

When she was up, she swears she can fly

But soon she’d crash back down and just start to cry

It was a vicious cycle she suffered through again and again

A cycle she knew would never end

No matter how much she wished the high would stay

She knew the sadness would soon take it all away

At any moment the smile on her face could fade

Leaving her alone, confused, and afraid

No one seemed to understand how her moods could switch so fast

Even she didn’t get why the happiness just couldn’t last

When she was high, she felt the most like herself

But when she was low, she desperately cried out for help

For the lows were the worst and would break her down

Leaving her curled up crying on the ground

Leaving her feeling like her life had no meaning

Leaving her just sitting there screaming

Screaming for the pain to just go away

Begging the voices in her head to stop saying the cruel things they say

The longing to harm, the longing to die

These were the thoughts that made her cry

For she never knew when the high she loved would return

All she knew was how everyone was now concerned

Concerned because the girl they loved wasn’t herself

Confused that she was fine yesterday but now yelling for help

How could someone who had all the energy in the world the day before

Today be this depressed zombie lying on the floor

For you see, when she was high she was the happiest she could be

Loving life and smiling for all to see

Dancing, singing, jumping around

Not a drop of sadness in her could be found

When she was high, she was daring and more confident than ever before

And she was excited for what each new day had in store

Sadly though, she knew this feeling wouldn’t last

She knew this happiness and increased energy would soon be in the past

Soon the highs began to be something she feared as well

For she knew after heaven, she’d be plunged back into hell

She found herself not being able to enjoy the highs like she always had

Because she feared that her life would soon be nothing but bad

A constant torture, a constant battle that never ends

A constant longing to be like her friends

To just be normal and able to live her life

To not have to deal with the constant strife

Oh won’t someone please make this roller coaster stop

And just leave her to be happy left at the top

 

I’m tired

I’m Tired

 

If you looked at me and asked how I was

I’d tell you the truth

I’d tell you i’m tired, though it’s no use

Because to you tired means sleepy

And though that is true

My tired has a ton of more meanings too

I’m tired of never being good enough no matter how hard I try

I’m tired of condescending people, secrets and lies

I’m tired of no one taking me seriously

Doctors, teachers and family only going by what they see

But they don’t know how I feel everyday

They don’t see the pain and suffering, though they think they may

I’m tired of my achy body and bones

I’m tired of being so sick and in pain, i’m forced to stay home

And miss out on all the fun and memories I could have made

Because I was too sick to go, or just to afraid

I’m tired of my anxiety always getting in the way

Making it difficult just to survive each and every day

I’m tired of my depression constantly bringing me down

I miss my smile and I hate this frown

I’m tired of my eyes burning from all of these tears

And i’m tired of all my irrational fears

I’m tired of my emotions never staying in my control

I’m tired of feeling broken, I just want to be whole

I’m tired of hurting the people I love again and again

I’m tired of pushing away all of my friends

I’m tired of school, of work, of home

I’m tired of feeling like I have no place to my own

I’m tired of never feeling understood

I’m tired of constantly feeling bad, I just want to feel good

My soul is tired, my body is too

And no amount of sleep can fix this it’s true

I’m tired of being tired all the time

Won’t someone please show me how to climb

Climb this mountain and get to the other side

Where my soul won’t be tired anymore and I can finally feel alive

So yea I’m tired but don’t you see

Tired has so many more meanings to me