It feels like the darkness is engulfing me
I try to scream, but only a muffled cry is heard
Pain floods my body
Demons torment my mind
I feel numb and empty
Overwhelmed by the world around me
“Everything is just too much” I say over and over
As I sit on my bed in tears
The anxiety in me is strong
Causing my heart to race and my body to shake
Lately I feel tense all the time
Always on edge, as if expecting something bad to happen at any moment
The anger inside of me growing more and more
Causing me to lash out at the ones I love for no reason of their own
I feel like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for the tiniest thing to happen so I can blow up
My patience so thin anything has the ability to cause my borderline rage to surface
My inner child just waiting for a chance to unleash her pain and anguish on anyone near her
And most days, i’m powerless to prevent or stop the damage I know she will cause
It feels like i’m suffocating on the air I breathe because with each breath I take my chest aches
Waking up in the morning with pure dread, wishing I could just close my eyes again and go back to sleep
But even sleep doesn’t bring rest
No, sleep brings nightmares over and over
Realistic ones that make it hard to distinguish if this is real life or just a dream
Often causing me to wake up suddenly, yelling out for help
Never allowing me to wake up rested the next day
But instead tired and drained of energy
Energy needed to get through the day
My PTSD is also strong
Images flash in my mind of things I don’t want to remember
Making me cringe and suddenly feel overwhelmed with fear
In an instant, it’s like i’m transported back to those moments
Feeling all the same emotions I did during that time, emotions I don’t want to ever feel again but do over and over
I shake my head, begging the images to leave, but they don’t
Sometimes my mind shows me images of what could have happened instead, which is always worse then what I experienced
These images often make me cry out and tremble
Leaving me paralyzed for however long they decide to play inside my head
Like a horror movie I never asked to see but am forced to experience on repeat
With no stop button in sight to make it go away
I can feel my depression slowly start to creep inside of me
That feeling of hopelessness getting stronger and stronger each day
I feel miserable, hating the life that I am forced to live due to the illnesses that grip my body and soul
I feel disconnected from not only the world around me but from myself
Looking into the mirror and having no recognition of the broken girl staring back at me
Watching my wedding video with tears streaming down my face because I have no emotional connection to that happy girl in a wedding dress
Remembering that was the best night of my life but it feeling like it never even happened to me
I am lost, begging for someone to show me the map needed to get home but knowing no map like that exists
Only I have the ability to create that map and right now, I do not have the tools to do so
That creative spark inside of me that once shown so bright has grown dimmer and dimmer
With each trauma, each illness stomping out a piece of the light in my soul time and time again
Writing, once a safe place and therapeutic tool, now seeming so hard to even do
It’s like the once fluid connection from my mind to my hand has severed itself and no matter how hard I try, the ideas just won’t flow to the page with ease like before
Instead, I struggle to come up with flowing sentences and paragraphs, my mind feeling jumbled
The imagination in me that once created novels of greatness
Basically destroyed by the harsh reality that is life
Causing my novel ideas and half written stories to remain just that when I once believed they could become so much more
My only true escape is music
Music has always been something that allowed me to disappear from my world
I lean on music more now than I ever have before
Lately, Hamilton has become my number one destination
Constantly listening to and now even watching this truly unbelievable show
I listen to Lin’s poetic words being rapped and sung by angelic voices and in those moments, my mind is at peace
The usually loud voices in my mind that constantly project negativity are drowned out by music and words of pure genius
What it must be like to have a mind so brilliant it can create something so unique out of nothing else but history
But as I listen, I also think of Hamilton’s story
Longing to have that kind of drive, that kind of determination to become someone great
To be able to turn my pain into something beautiful, something that can help others
I ask myself, have I thrown away my shot?
Is it too late to become someone, to make a difference in this world
Or will I eventually die being known as the girl who was always too sick to function
I’m tired of my mind torturing me
I’m tired of my body always being full of pain
I’m tired of constantly being sick
Of having to cancel plans with friends
I’m tired of this life
But the sad truth is, no matter how many times I try to change things
I always fall back to this spot
I get to the top only to be there for a few moments before it’s down the rabbit hole again
Despite all of this, I still have a sliver of hope that one day, things will be better and will stay better
That I will make something of myself
That people will know my name and my story
That young girls and boys will be inspired by my determination to survive when I had every reason in the book to give up
That my failures thus far will pave the way to the biggest triumphs of my life
That Tom and I will have kids and I will be a great mother to them
I hold onto that hope with shaky but firm hands, even on the days where I desperately want to let go because giving in would be so much easier then fighting
But I know its that hope that keeps me going, it’s that hope that keeps me alive
So I hold on, and I will continue to hold on
Because despite everything, despite how shattered I may feel
I know my life is special and worth living
Life is a fragile but beautiful thing and even when the darkness is overwhelming
There is always a small flame of light illuminating within
At times, it may be hidden or harder to find but it is there
Guiding you, providing you with hope, even if you can’t see it
