Monster

I’m crying and falling a part

While you just sit there and stare at me

When did I become the enemy?

When did I become the person you don’t want to see?

What happened to loving me? Protecting me? Saving me?

Am I too broken for your sympathy?

What happened to your empathy?

I thought you were the one sent to me

To rescue me from this tragedy

Instead it seems like you’re the one burying me

Leaving me a victim to the voices in my head

The voices that tell me i’m better off dead

The ones that say everyone would be happier if I was gone

I’m starting to believe their song

For the way you look at me now, it seems they were right all along

So why am I still trying to survive?

Why am I still trying to thrive in a world that wishes me to die?

When I know deep inside, I will never be anything you need

Just another useless mouth to feed

Just another bitch you don’t want to see

Everyday I’m losing more and more of me

More and more of the person I used to be

As the pain takes over and drowns me

And leaves me in a puddle of my own tears, my own blood

Left on the side of the road in a ditch covered in mud

Begging for the sweet escape of death

Giving up on the thought of anyone rescuing me

From the monster that keeps consuming me

From the anger that keeps rising endlessly

Inside of me, causing me to want to hurt anyone I see

Screaming out in agony

At these sudden violent tendencies, stay away from me

I will hurt you, can’t you see, there is no controlling me

Don’t fucking walk away from me

No one can save me from the monster, no matter how hard they may try

No one can save me from this thing that wants me to die

From the being that strangles and tortures me day and night

The anger continues to build up inside

Making it harder and harder to breathe, harder and harder to survive

I don’t want to be alive

As the anger rises it becomes clearer and clearer for me to see

The monster to blame is

Me

Roller Coaster

Roller coaster

 

Like a roller coaster out of control is how she felt

The highs were amazing but she knew the lows soon would be dealt

When she was up, she swears she can fly

But soon she’d crash back down and just start to cry

It was a vicious cycle she suffered through again and again

A cycle she knew would never end

No matter how much she wished the high would stay

She knew the sadness would soon take it all away

At any moment the smile on her face could fade

Leaving her alone, confused, and afraid

No one seemed to understand how her moods could switch so fast

Even she didn’t get why the happiness just couldn’t last

When she was high, she felt the most like herself

But when she was low, she desperately cried out for help

For the lows were the worst and would break her down

Leaving her curled up crying on the ground

Leaving her feeling like her life had no meaning

Leaving her just sitting there screaming

Screaming for the pain to just go away

Begging the voices in her head to stop saying the cruel things they say

The longing to harm, the longing to die

These were the thoughts that made her cry

For she never knew when the high she loved would return

All she knew was how everyone was now concerned

Concerned because the girl they loved wasn’t herself

Confused that she was fine yesterday but now yelling for help

How could someone who had all the energy in the world the day before

Today be this depressed zombie lying on the floor

For you see, when she was high she was the happiest she could be

Loving life and smiling for all to see

Dancing, singing, jumping around

Not a drop of sadness in her could be found

When she was high, she was daring and more confident than ever before

And she was excited for what each new day had in store

Sadly though, she knew this feeling wouldn’t last

She knew this happiness and increased energy would soon be in the past

Soon the highs began to be something she feared as well

For she knew after heaven, she’d be plunged back into hell

She found herself not being able to enjoy the highs like she always had

Because she feared that her life would soon be nothing but bad

A constant torture, a constant battle that never ends

A constant longing to be like her friends

To just be normal and able to live her life

To not have to deal with the constant strife

Oh won’t someone please make this roller coaster stop

And just leave her to be happy left at the top

 

Feeling like you’re in a constant dream

Do you know what it is like to feel like you’re constantly in a dream?

To look in a mirror and have no connection with the face looking back at you?

Can you imagine the frustration one might feel when nothing around them even feels real?

I do.

I know the feeling because I suffer from that feeling all the time.

The feeling of being in a fog or trapped inside a fishbowl, shielded from the rest of the world. And no matter how hard you try to tell your brain you’re real and this is real, it doesn’t make a difference.

The people around you, strangers and loved ones alike all look just a little off now.

Your surroundings have a dream-like aura to them and you feel like you’re going crazy.

You just want to lock yourself in your room, away from the rest of the world until you start to feel normal again.

Lights seem much brighter than usual, causing your eyes and head to hurt.

Your hands don’t even resemble your hands anymore but instead hands of a stranger you once knew so well but now can’t recognize.

You look in the mirror but the tired face looking back at you doesn’t look like your own.

No, you don’t recognize those brown eyes filled with emotion.

It’s like looking at a photograph of someone you don’t know yet deep down you know that it’s you.

You start to fact check yourself within your mind.

Stating your name, your birth date, your fiance’s name, your future wedding date.

You begin to panic because even though you’ve answered those questions just fine now, you’re scared one day you won’t remember.

You don’t feel like a person anymore but instead a robot, going through the motions.

Your voice even sounds weird and the words your mouth produce feel programmed and unrecognizable.

Living like this isn’t living, it’s just existing.

You wonder if you’ll ever feel normal again and as the days turn into weeks, and the weeks into months, you start to fear that this time this feeling won’t leave and you’ll be trapped as a living zombie for the rest of your life.

You want to smile and be happy but you can’t shake the feeling.

You cry and scream out but how can anyone understand?

If you even told anyone they would think you were crazy!

How can one not feel real? How can one not feel a connection to their self?

Yet, that is how I feel.

Looking in from the outside on my life.

Feeling trapped within my mind and not recognizing me

All while constantly wondering, will I ever break free?