Sea of Darkness

Extreme pain shoots through my upper back.

My fingers are swollen and sore and my legs feel to weak to walk.

I try to sit at work but the pain is getting to be too much for me to handle, too much for me to hide.

I need to walk away for a moment, I need to go somewhere I can be alone.

I rush to the bathroom.

Once there, I start to cry. I don’t want to cry but the pain is too intense.

Even more, the thought of dealing with this for the rest of my life scares me more than words can say.

Knowing this will always be the case, knowing this will always be my life.

How do I ever expect to live a normal life when these diseases keep taking over my body. Inhabiting every joint, every muscle.

Normal tasks like brushing my hair are even too much to handle. I struggle to open my water bottle because my fingers refuse to work.

With each letter I type, I feel my fingers burn, causing tears to hit my eyes because writing is my life. How can something that brings me so much joy cause pain to my body?

I’m so tired, so exhausted all the time. I don’t have energy to do the things I once loved to do. Some days, it’s a struggle to even get out of my bed. My body feels like a rock and the more I try to pull myself up to get ready, the heavier my body seems to become.

People ask why i’m so tired all the time, they ask me why I struggle to keep my eyes open.

Concerned that i’m not getting the proper amount of sleep but don’t they understand it doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, I will always be tired. Because my exhaustion is not from being sleepy, no, instead my exhaustion is from the constant struggle to just survive in a body that constantly wants to quit.

This pain, though, also keeps me up at night causing constant insomnia, that only increases the exhaustion I feel.

I long for those days from my childhood. The days before Arthritis and Fibromyalgia invaded my body. I long to be that girl again whose body never kept her down. Who could run and play for hours without having to worry about not being able to get out of bed the next day. Who could keep up with everyone else instead of fall behind due to the pain in her knees being so bad she can’t possibly keep up their pace.

When I have a flare, thoughts of being wheelchair bound by the time i’m 40 start to stir in my head.

Thoughts of not being able to hold and play with my children haunt my life.

How can I tell my child “Mommy can’t hold you today because she is in pain” when they’re reaching out to me?

This thought constantly makes me just want to cry because it’s the realization that I will always be suffering.

I’m sick of disappointing the ones around me. Of having to cancel plans or change plans because my body just can’t do what everyone wanted to that day.

I’m sick of coming in late to work or calling out completely because I physically can’t move that day.  

Sick of having people say to me, “Well, you don’t look like your sick or in pain” when in reality it feels like i’m dying and my entire body is being constantly tortured by itself.

The fear of things never getting better, the fear that it will only get worse from here is constantly on my mind. Even on the days I feel good, that fear pricks my mind, reminding me that this feeling won’t last.

I’m usually good at hiding this fear. I’m usually good at pushing through the pain and doing my very best but days like today, day’s where the weather is bad and i’m having a full-on flare up, I can’t help but break my usual facade.

I’m scared, i’m hurting and i’m just so tired of fighting.

And though I know I need to just remain strong, some days, it’s so hard to see the light when i’m surrounded by a sea of darkness.

I’m tired

I’m Tired

 

If you looked at me and asked how I was

I’d tell you the truth

I’d tell you i’m tired, though it’s no use

Because to you tired means sleepy

And though that is true

My tired has a ton of more meanings too

I’m tired of never being good enough no matter how hard I try

I’m tired of condescending people, secrets and lies

I’m tired of no one taking me seriously

Doctors, teachers and family only going by what they see

But they don’t know how I feel everyday

They don’t see the pain and suffering, though they think they may

I’m tired of my achy body and bones

I’m tired of being so sick and in pain, i’m forced to stay home

And miss out on all the fun and memories I could have made

Because I was too sick to go, or just to afraid

I’m tired of my anxiety always getting in the way

Making it difficult just to survive each and every day

I’m tired of my depression constantly bringing me down

I miss my smile and I hate this frown

I’m tired of my eyes burning from all of these tears

And i’m tired of all my irrational fears

I’m tired of my emotions never staying in my control

I’m tired of feeling broken, I just want to be whole

I’m tired of hurting the people I love again and again

I’m tired of pushing away all of my friends

I’m tired of school, of work, of home

I’m tired of feeling like I have no place to my own

I’m tired of never feeling understood

I’m tired of constantly feeling bad, I just want to feel good

My soul is tired, my body is too

And no amount of sleep can fix this it’s true

I’m tired of being tired all the time

Won’t someone please show me how to climb

Climb this mountain and get to the other side

Where my soul won’t be tired anymore and I can finally feel alive

So yea I’m tired but don’t you see

Tired has so many more meanings to me