On the Outside

On the outside. That’s how she felt. Disconnected from the world and the people around her.

Longing to be herself but always being someone else because the person she was would always just annoy people.

Often drinking because when she was drunk, she was free to be the person she really was and people wouldn’t mind because they’d believe it was just the alcohol that caused her to act so free and crazy.

She was the girl who always had big dreams but her dreams never matched with the ones surrounding her.

Wanting to Vlog every chance she could but too scared of what her friends would say.

Wanting to get into modeling and cosplay but convinced her friends would just make fun of her and make her doubt any chance of becoming someone. Just like they always had.

All of this caused the girl to feel alone.

This feeling of loneliness and being out-of-place was nothing new to her though.

For she had felt that way many times throughout her 22 years of life.

Always acting older than she really was, always dreaming of bigger things.

Always the mom of the group, the responsible one.

The one who rather stay at home cuddling with her fiance while watching a movie than out at the club partying into all hours of the night.

A girl who had an imagination like no other but whose imagination kept becoming less and less as reality took over.

Who once could look at a blank piece of paper and write for hours about a new land but now stares at a half-written novel with not a clue of where to go.

She dreams of becoming someone, of becoming famous.

And not because of the normal reasons someone wants to become famous but because by being famous people would hear her story.

They would hear her constant struggle with anxiety and depression.

How she suffers everyday in a body that just wants to quit because Arthritis has invaded every joint and Fibromyalgia has taken over every muscle.

How she has always felt on the outside but no matter what kept going.

She wants to be famous to help the ones out there who suffer too.

Who wake up in the morning and wish they never had.

To show them they can conquer any of their demons and that life is worth all this pain.

To show them, they are not alone.

She dreams of the day her story will help others.

But often that dream becomes dark when she thinks of how she will never be good enough. When she stares at that piece of paper and that sense of magic doesn’t spark her fingers to start to type causing her to wonder if she even has the talent to cause people to want to hear her.

She’s just a girl trying to fit into a world she will never belong in.

Because the world today wasn’t built for people like her.

Wasn’t made for the ones with creativity in their heart, the ones who believe in magic and love. The world today crushes the people who are like her, crushes people who are different.

But people who are different are people who are special.

They are the ones who can change the world, they are the ones that bring that sense of magic into others lives.

Who can turn the dark and grey into a rainbow and a frown into a smile.

Sadly, too often society wins and these people who could have done so much, are consumed by the dark reality and that spark of magic in them goes out, never to be lit again.

She is caught between the special person she is and the person society wishes for her to become.

Stuck between the two, fighting to keep the magic in her alive.

But magic doesn’t pay the bills, magic doesn’t get you a house, magic can’t feed a family.

How can magic survive in a world that is designed to kill creativity.

How can she continue to believe in mythicality and childhood dreams when her life calls for her to grow up and forget those silly fantasies.

When people constantly tell her that she can’t be herself in public because by being herself and following her dreams, shes destined to fail at life.

When they tell her to give up those silly fantasies of becoming a writer, of becoming a known Youtuber and model and start focusing on the real world because you’re a grown up now.

So she continues to be stuck in between, still on the outside, yearning for the day she realizes that being on the outside is better than being consumed on the inside. The day where she is confident enough to ignore the ones around her who only believe she will fail and follow her dreams with everything she has.

The day she realizes how lucky she is to be different in such a cookie-cutter world because that will be the day she will unlock the special power within her and ignite a flame that no one will ever be able to stomp out.

I Don’t want to go

I don’t want to go

 

I don’t want to go to concerts

I don’t want to fly

I don’t want to go black friday shopping

Please, don’t make me explain why

I don’t want to go out to the club

Or even drive a car

I don’t want to go on amusement park rides

Or travel very far

Don’t ask me to go to a broadway show

New york City is a place I just don’t want to go

And though I love movies, I’ll wait so I can watch them at home

For I don’t want to go where movies are first shown

Lately, it seems, i’m afraid of everything

I don’t want to do anything anymore

I wish I could just stay in my house

Just me and the ones I love safe behind a locked door

If someone gets sick or injured, I immediately think they are going to die

I start to panic, get angry, rock back and forth and cry

I don’t like that my mind does this, always thinking of the worst

I just wish I could be normal, not always think of what could go wrong

I’ve lived this way for far too long

I’m sick of living life constantly in fear

I’m sick of the anxiety attacks, i’m sick of the tears

I wish there was a way to finally be free

Be rid of the fear, to be a new me

Because what I am doing is not living no,

It’s just existing in a world, and not knowing where to go

When did I grow up?

When did I grow up?

When did this happen?

When did I stop being that smiling little girl?

When did pain and hurt invade my veins and turn me into this?

This emotional wreck who never seems to do anything right?

This girl who strives for perfection but constantly fucks up?

I’m 22 but I feel so much older

Did I throw away my youth?

I never partied, never got wasted or even high out with my friends

I never hooked up with random guys or flirted with someone just to get what I want

I never experienced real college, the dorming life. Staying up till 1 in the morning talking with your roommate who just happens to be your new best friend.

Did I rush my timeline?

Will I regret this in the future?

Desperately longing for the family I never had, wanting to be a wife and mom as soon as I could to the point, I skipped being young.

Sitting here, three months till my wedding, feeling excited and nervous at the same time

Wondering if we really will last or if I’m just doomed to follow in my parents mistakes?

Have I found my happily ever after or have I thrown away my youth for something that will one day fall apart, leaving me on the floor more broken than I was at the start.

And speaking of my future, what do I want to be?

I know in my heart but reality, anxiety, depression and sadness have all but stomped out that creative spark within my soul.

Writing, my only escape, lately seems so hard to come by

Like the once fluid connection from my mind to my hand has severed itself and no matter how hard I try, the ideas just won’t flow to the page

Am I destined to always be a failure?

Will my kids hate me, will they long for a mother who is normal?

Will my husband stay by my side, or will he one day wander into the arms of another, a woman he actually deserves.

Why do I keep trying?

Sometimes this thought comes into my mind and just when i’ve pushed it back, something happens which brings it to the front once again.

Music lately is my mistake, Hamilton lately is my escape

Listening to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s beautiful written words and angel voice lets me escape from my dreary reality for a little while.

Listening to Hamilton’s story, longing to have his same determination, to have his drive.

Am I throwing away MY shot?

Have I thrown away MY shot?

Constantly waiting for something new, constantly waiting for my big break

I know i’m more than this, I know i’m worth so much more than this

I’m meant to be someone, god dammit, i’m meant to make a difference.

But yet, I sit here, wallowing in my sorrow. Playing the victim, the “oh woah is me card”

I’m ashamed of the person I am, I’m ashamed of the person I’ve always been

How different would my life be if I took chances and did things that fear kept me from?

Would it be better? Would it be worse?

I think of the moments I was on stage

In theatre, getting to be someone else for a couple of hours for all to see

How confident I was in not being me

How fun it was to be performing

And then the sadness hits realizing, I may never step foot on a stage again

Oh when did I grow up?

When did I lose the girl I am?

Oh can’t someone please teach me how to be young

And in doing so, awaken the song within my heart dying to just be sung.

Drowning

Drowning

 

I feel like everyday I’m slipping farther and farther away and no matter how hard I try to stay happy and confident, the water always pulls me back down.

I’m drowning, gasping for air but no one can help me.

People try to, my fiance, my mom, my grandma, my therapist, my friends, yet it’s no use.

I continue to drown and lash out.

That happy future I once planned feels like a distant memory now, distorted by the dark murky water.

How can I ever be happy?

Looking from the outside, you’d never know.

My facade has only improved with time.

I appear happy, confident with myself.

Perfect fiance, perfect family, perfect home, perfect life.

However, if you look into my eyes, you’d see the truth.

You’d see a depressed girl, longing to belong, longing to be loved and nurtured.

A girl who knows how lucky she is but whose depression and anger overpowers all the good in her life.

Someone who lashes out at the ones she loves most and then hates herself for it afterwards. I’m drowning and I’m scared that one day, I won’t be strong enough to make it back up for air. That i’ll try but my strength will give out and I’ll sink to the bottom of the sea.

The voice inside my head gets stronger everyday, constantly pushing me back down whenever I emerge from the water.

Like an icy cold bony hand, the words grip my wrist and drag me back down.

You’re worthless, you’re ugly, you’re stupid, you’re fat, you mess up everything,

you don’t deserve love, you don’t deserve happiness, you deserve to be alone,

you deserve to feel pain, you’re nothing but a heartless bitch, you deserve to be hurt,

everyone would be better off without you, you will never belong, you don’t even deserve to live, you will never be a good wife, you will be a horrible mother, just kill yourself already, just end it.

Everyday the voice shouts these words, louder and louder and I become weaker and weaker. I’m drowning and I don’t know how much longer I can continue to breath when water keeps engulfing my lungs.

I long for someone to help me, to save me from the voice and the icy cold sea but deep down I know only I can save myself from its clutches.

There are times though that I question if I can. If I can truly break free from my mind.

Somedays, I feel like giving up.

I feel like letting my mind drag me down until I sink so far that there is no chance of reaching the surface again.

I know I can not do this though.

No, I can’t let the voice win.

I need to fight until my very last breath.

I’m drowning, but I refuse to sink.

Roller Coaster

Roller coaster

 

Like a roller coaster out of control is how she felt

The highs were amazing but she knew the lows soon would be dealt

When she was up, she swears she can fly

But soon she’d crash back down and just start to cry

It was a vicious cycle she suffered through again and again

A cycle she knew would never end

No matter how much she wished the high would stay

She knew the sadness would soon take it all away

At any moment the smile on her face could fade

Leaving her alone, confused, and afraid

No one seemed to understand how her moods could switch so fast

Even she didn’t get why the happiness just couldn’t last

When she was high, she felt the most like herself

But when she was low, she desperately cried out for help

For the lows were the worst and would break her down

Leaving her curled up crying on the ground

Leaving her feeling like her life had no meaning

Leaving her just sitting there screaming

Screaming for the pain to just go away

Begging the voices in her head to stop saying the cruel things they say

The longing to harm, the longing to die

These were the thoughts that made her cry

For she never knew when the high she loved would return

All she knew was how everyone was now concerned

Concerned because the girl they loved wasn’t herself

Confused that she was fine yesterday but now yelling for help

How could someone who had all the energy in the world the day before

Today be this depressed zombie lying on the floor

For you see, when she was high she was the happiest she could be

Loving life and smiling for all to see

Dancing, singing, jumping around

Not a drop of sadness in her could be found

When she was high, she was daring and more confident than ever before

And she was excited for what each new day had in store

Sadly though, she knew this feeling wouldn’t last

She knew this happiness and increased energy would soon be in the past

Soon the highs began to be something she feared as well

For she knew after heaven, she’d be plunged back into hell

She found herself not being able to enjoy the highs like she always had

Because she feared that her life would soon be nothing but bad

A constant torture, a constant battle that never ends

A constant longing to be like her friends

To just be normal and able to live her life

To not have to deal with the constant strife

Oh won’t someone please make this roller coaster stop

And just leave her to be happy left at the top

 

11 Things to do when anxiety/depression messes with your mind

pexels-photo-390574.jpegHello everyone! This past week has been stressful to say the least for me. My anxiety and depression have been messing with my mind quite a lot recently so I figured for today’s blog post, I would tell you guys all about the top 11 things I do when I’m having a rough mental health day that usually help to brighten my mood! So if you would like to learn more, just keep on reading!

1. Listen to music

So the first thing I tend to do is one that I think many people who suffer from depression and/or anxiety do as well, listen to music. Music truly has a way of relaxing your mind and healing you. When I’m really not feeling okay, I put on my headphones and start listening to music on Spotify. This past Christmas my mom got me the Beats solo 3 headphones in white and then also got me a Disney tsum tsum skin it for them! These have became my all time favorite headphones and I do not leave the house without them! The music I listen to tends to change but for the last couple months my go to album is Taylor Swift’s Reputation. I’m literally obsessed with every song on this album and something about her music just makes me feel better. I’ve always been a Taylor Swift fan but there’s just something with her new music that really appeals to me. I also constantly listen to The Greatest Showman soundtrack when I’m feeling just not right. There are multiple songs on that album that are so inspiring! Specifically, This is me and A million Dreams! It’s not uncommon for me to just have these two songs play over and over because I never get tired of listening to them!

2. Take a hot shower

If I’m feeling really anxious or really out of it, the first thing I normally want to do is take a shower. There’s just something about being in the shower, alone with my thoughts that is strangely comforting. Recently I found out that if I sit down in the shower and let the hot water pour over me almost like rain, it’s very relaxing. The mixture of the hot water, the sound the water makes and the feel of the water hitting my skin creates a calming atmosphere. A lot of times I’ll sit down and just breathe slowly, clearing my mind of anything other than that moment. It’s a weird type of meditation method but it usually helps. Most of the time, I walk out of the shower feeling much more relaxed.

3. Watch YouTube videos

I honestly feel like YouTube was one of the best creations. Not only did it create a new outlet for people to get their voice out there and become famous, but it also created a platform for people to watch videos of all different kinds. My favorite YouTube channel is definitely Good Mythical Morning. Rhett and Link have become idols to me and I know if I’m ever feeling depressed or anxious, I can just watch their videos and instantly I feel better. They never fail to make me smile and laugh with all the crazy things they do on their show. Other YouTubers that I tend to watch when I’m feeling out of it include Jenna Marbles, JonTron, Kalyn Nicholson, Rooster Teeth, and Funhaus. I’m always so inspired by YouTubers and hope this is the year I finally grow enough courage to create a channel of my own.

4. Write anything

When I say anything, I mean anything. If I’m anxious or depressed, writing always helps to calm my mind. Whether it’s working on one of the novels I’m writing, writing a new poem, journaling, or even just writing down my favorite quotes, writing is very therapeutic for me. My dream is to be an author one day so writing is obviously very important in my life. Getting my thoughts down on paper, specifically though, really does help calm my mind and take the edge off…most of the time.

5. Organize/clean the room

At the moment, my fiancé and I live between both his house and my grandma’s house. It’s exhausting and gets really hard pretty much living through a bag. Due to this, I get very stressed out over the whole situation and both his room and my room tend to get very cluttered and unorganized. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I often will reorganize and straighten up my surroundings. I honestly believe it’s true that when your place is a mess, your life tends to be one too. It’s hard to think clearly when you’re surrounded by junk and you keep losing your stuff because there is no organization. Straightening up whatever room I’m in that day really does help ease my mind, even if it’s only a temporary fix. I also tend to listen to my music while cleaning which helps even more.

6. Watch a TV Show

Lately I’ve been obsessed with watching South Park. When I was younger, I swore I would never like a show like this but Tom got me hooked and now I can’t stop watching. A lot of times if I’m feeling depressed, Tom and I will watch a few episodes of South Park to cheer me up. You can’t help but laugh at the things Cartman and his friends go through on that show. Another show I’ll tend to binge watch lately is Bridezilla’s. That show is so crazy that it never fails to make me laugh.

7. Play a video game

Playing video games is one of the best stress relievers I have found out there. Especially if it’s a game where your character can fight things. My go to game right now is South Park’s Fractured But Whole. The game is a lot of fun and centers around fighting other characters so if I’m really anxious, playing this game definitely helps to take the edge off.

8. Color or draw

I can’t be the only one who was psyched when adult coloring books became a thing. I loved coloring when I was little and love it even more now that I’m an adult. If I’m feeling anxious, pulling out one of my many adult coloring books and my set of fine point markers always helps to calm my mind. If I’m feeling particularly ambitious,  I may pull out my sketch book instead and actually draw and color my own picture. Either way, coloring and drawing lets me escape from reality for just a little while.

9. Punch my punching bag

I have wanted a punching bag for years now and this past Christmas Tom actually bought me one, complete with pink boxing gloves. Not only is punching a great exercise routine but it’s an amazing stress relief. If I’m angry, anxious, or just not feeling okay, I put on my gloves and punch the crap out of the bag. Unfortunately, my bag is at my grandma’s so I can only do this when I’m there. When I’m there though, this technique always helps me and I walk away feeling much better than I did before I began punching.

10. Create a Perler Bead creation

I love Perler beads. I loved them when I was little and now that I’m older, I enjoy creating more difficult creations. There is something extremely relaxing to me when I am creating a new Perler bead creation. If I didn’t suffer from back pain from being hunched over for so long, I would create so many more creations than I do now. Still though, this is one of my go to tips when I’m feeling super anxious.

11. Read a book

Unfortunately I don’t have much time to read like I used to. I’ve always loved reading though so if I’m feeling out of it or anxious, picking up a book usually helps to calm my mind. Escaping to another world and leaving the stress of reality for even just a little while does wonders. I think this is the main reason I dream of being an author. Of creating a book that helps others escape from their life for just a little bit. Some authors that inspire me include J.K Rowling, Dean Koontz, and Stephen King.

 

So there you have it, the 11 things that I do to help when I’m feeling depressed or anxious. Of course, this list will probably grow and change as time goes on but for right now, these 11 things usually help me. Let me ask you though, what do you normally do when you’re having a rough day? Answer down in the comments below and as always, thanks again for reading! 😀

Until next time my darlings,

Kaylee D. ❤

I’m tired

I’m Tired

 

If you looked at me and asked how I was

I’d tell you the truth

I’d tell you i’m tired, though it’s no use

Because to you tired means sleepy

And though that is true

My tired has a ton of more meanings too

I’m tired of never being good enough no matter how hard I try

I’m tired of condescending people, secrets and lies

I’m tired of no one taking me seriously

Doctors, teachers and family only going by what they see

But they don’t know how I feel everyday

They don’t see the pain and suffering, though they think they may

I’m tired of my achy body and bones

I’m tired of being so sick and in pain, i’m forced to stay home

And miss out on all the fun and memories I could have made

Because I was too sick to go, or just to afraid

I’m tired of my anxiety always getting in the way

Making it difficult just to survive each and every day

I’m tired of my depression constantly bringing me down

I miss my smile and I hate this frown

I’m tired of my eyes burning from all of these tears

And i’m tired of all my irrational fears

I’m tired of my emotions never staying in my control

I’m tired of feeling broken, I just want to be whole

I’m tired of hurting the people I love again and again

I’m tired of pushing away all of my friends

I’m tired of school, of work, of home

I’m tired of feeling like I have no place to my own

I’m tired of never feeling understood

I’m tired of constantly feeling bad, I just want to feel good

My soul is tired, my body is too

And no amount of sleep can fix this it’s true

I’m tired of being tired all the time

Won’t someone please show me how to climb

Climb this mountain and get to the other side

Where my soul won’t be tired anymore and I can finally feel alive

So yea I’m tired but don’t you see

Tired has so many more meanings to me