Health Update

My physical health has been up and down these last few weeks. I have my good days where I can get work done and enjoy life, but I also have my really bad days where I can’t get out of bed without feeling faint and dizzy. My mental health, on the other hand, has been consistently rough. My anxiety has gotten severe and even though I didn’t realize it at first, so has my depression. This is heavily due to the fact my future has been on my mind a lot lately, especially one certain aspect of my future; having kids. For as long as I can remember, I dreamed about becoming a mother. Tom and I had always discussed having children in our early twenties, shortly after getting married. But being diagnosed with Lupus has turned our entire plan upside down.

The reality is that having Lupus does increase my chances of miscarriage, birth complications and even infertility all together. Yes, I know there are many women out there with Lupus who have children and had problem-free pregnancies but there are also many who have not. Just knowing that we could have problems getting/staying pregnant and there is a chance we may never become pregnant at all is a thought that honestly breaks my heart. Before this diagnosis, we had a plan. Shortly after our 1 year anniversary, we would begin to actively try for a baby as long as we felt we were in a financially good space to do so. But now, that can’t happen. I need my health to be in check before we even consider trying. But we are also still on a timeline because the older I get and the longer I’m on my medication, the harder pregnancy will be for me and the risk factor goes higher. It is so hard to hear friends and family ask me, “so when will you guys have a baby?” knowing that I don’t know that answer anymore. It hurts having to explain why we need to wait and even explaining how it may never happen biologically for us. I always feared infertility issues, always scared that my biggest dream wouldn’t be able to come true for me. I wish I could get testing done now, to know before we start to try and have to experience heartbreak over and over again if it turns out that I can’t become pregnant or hold a pregnancy. But doctors won’t run those tests unless it’s necessary.

I thought by 24, I would be pregnant with my first child or already have a child. I never thought by 24 I would be diagnosed with Lupus, uncertain if I ever would be able to become a mom. I’m trying my hardest to turn this diagnosis into something positive, to use my experiences to help others. But some days, it’s just so hard to look on the bright side. I feel like I’m grieving, I’m grieving the life I had and the life I thought I would have. The life that was robbed from me by this illness I never asked for. I still have big dreams, dreams that I want so badly to come true but I always fear that my mental and physical health will keep me from ever achieving them. I feel constantly trapped, having to rely on everyone for everything because I can’t do things myself anymore. I can’t drive, I can’t work, hell, some days I can’t even make it up the stairs without help! When I go out, I constantly have to monitor how I’m feeling, often going through periods of lightheadedness and just an overall underlying panic of something going wrong. I won’t even go anywhere if Tom, my mother or my grandmother are not with me because at least I know they understand and they know what to do if god forbid, I get really sick out of nowhere. It sucks having to live like that.

People keep telling me that “it could be worse” and that “I’m going to be okay” and though I know they are right, some days I don’t want to hear it! Because the truth is, yea, it could be worse but this freaking sucks too! And I have every right to be angry and sad about having my independence ripped away! Than on the other hand, I have people compare my illness to others with the same and that hurts worse because everyone deals with illnesses differently and everyone experiences different symptoms. Just because one person is able to work and drive with Lupus, doesn’t mean that I can. I’m trying my hardest but I also can’t risk my life and my health getting worse. I’m at my breaking point as is and basically being told I’m not trying my hardest, that I’m being lazy and using my Lupus and anxiety as an excuse, it’s just beyond heart wrenching and makes me want to cry. Because I am trying my hardest, I’m pushing myself as much as I can.

I’m not happy with my life but I refuse to just give up. I guess I just need to continue taking everything one day at a time, hold onto faith, and no matter what, stay strong. That’s the only way I’ll get through this challenging time. Friends and family tell me how strong I am and how well I have handled this. But the truth is, what other choice did I have? I either let this break me or grow from it. And even on days like today, where I’m deep in my head and am feeling so discouraged, I know I won’t let this shatter me. 

Until next time,

Kaylee D. ❤

Why I haven’t been posting…

Hey everyone. I know it’s been forever since I last posted on here. A lot of personal challenges have come around since this year has begun that has made keeping up with this blog very difficult. The biggest of them being discovering that I actually don’t have Rheumatoid Arthritis, but instead have Lupus. Prior to this diagnosis, my pain had reached very high levels, to the point that even typing became too much for me to do, especially on a daily basis. In addition to the pain, I was having heavy light sensitivity and concentration issues that caused staring at a computer screen to result in very painful headaches. I also began to suffer from brain fog constantly, to the point, I couldn’t really organize my thoughts or what I wanted to say. These new symptoms pushed me to go to a new Rheumatologist and after running blood work, she informed me of this new diagnosis. I have now been on medication for a little over a month and though I have not felt too much relief, I have my good days and my bad days.

When this was all going on, I had very much considered cancelling my blog. I can no longer work and therefore all the financial responsibility must lay on my husbands shoulders. To me, this expense was something that I thought wasn’t necessary. However, my determination and love for blogging caused me to renew. Blogging to me is a safe place and a place where I feel understood, which is very important. I am also in the process of trying to get my Youtube channel created, however, with being sick and in pain a lot, that has shown to be more difficult than I first thought. I do not want to make this long, I just wanted to let you all know where I have been and why I haven’t posted since the beginning of this year before I begin to post again. My hope is now being on treatment, I will be able to get back to some sort of normal and be able to blog even more than I once did. I created this blog and will create my Youtube channel for the same reason. I want this to be something that can hopefully help and inspire others, especially if they are suffering from mental or chronic illnesses that causes them to lose sight of the beauty of life. For months now, I’ve been just existing and it’s time for me to start living again. I may have Lupus and extreme anxiety, but those things do not define who I am. They are only a part of me.

My end goal with this blog is that it becomes a lifestyle blog that will consist of posts that will not only hopefully make living easier for people who have illnesses in their way, but also inspire them to not let their illnesses bring them down and make their life any less beautiful than it should be. I hope to raise awareness on Chronic and mental illnesses, specifically Lupus and Anxiety, as well as take you all on this health journey with me as I learn to cope and manage this new scary disease at only 23 years old. I plan to continue to post poetry about the challenges and other things that go on in my life, and lastly, I hope this blog helps others like me to feel less alone. Living with these illnesses, I often feel very alone because my friends and my family don’t fully understand what I go through. But I’m not alone, and neither are you. I look forward to blogging with you all again very soon!

Until next time my darlings,

Kaylee D. ❤

A part of me

Why can’t I just be normal, oh why can’t I just be sane

I’m sick of these thoughts, these worries constantly in my brain

All they do is make life harder for everyone, especially myself

And no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to get help

The anxiety is so strong it takes over my life

The depression so overwhelming I want to grab a knife

I want to stop the constant pain I feel inside

I want to curl up into a ball and find some place to hide

A place no one will ever find me

A place where I can’t hurt the ones I love you see

Oh why can’t these feelings just disappear

I’m sick of the worrying,the sadness and fear

I just want to be happy, is that so hard to ask

I never imagined being joyful would be such a hard task

For it seems everyday tears fall from my eyes

And on some days, I just want to die

Believing only in death will I finally be free

And that everyone would be much better off without me

I know these thoughts are awful and untrue

But some days the pain is too strong, i’m just too blue

Too blinded by the pain to see the beauty in my life

Too stuck in the darkness to see even a glimmer of light

Oh how I long to be normal, how I long to be free

But deep down I know, a normal life will never be for me

I’ll never be free from the demons within my mind

Even if they leave I know they will return time after time

Because I know in my heart, though it’s heartbreaking to see

Anxiety and Depression will always be a part of me

What 2018 has taught me

Hello my darlings and Happy New Year!! I hope you all had a wonderful new year eve’s and new years day! Can you believe it’s already 2019!? Seems crazy right! 2018 has been one hell of year for me! From struggling with my physical and mental health, to saying “I do” to my best friend, and wrapping up the year with a truly once in a lifetime honeymoon trip, 2018 has been packed full of memories. Through the memories, this year has also taught me a lot so I thought for today, I would write a post about the lessons 2018 has given me. So here are 8 things this past year has taught me, hope you enjoy! 🙂

  1. Nothing is ever going to go exactly how you picture/planned, but that’s okay

After spending over a year planning our Disney themed wedding, I had a clear picture of how I wanted every detail of that day to go. No matter what other people told me, I couldn’t let go of that picture and kept saying, “Oh, I won’t be that bride.” Well..I was that bride. Our wedding was amazing but I would be lying if I said every detail went exactly how I wanted it to. But in the end, all those little details didn’t really matter. All that mattered was I got to marry my best friend and I wish I had enjoyed more of the planning process instead of obsessing over every detail. In the same way, I had this picture in my head that by the wedding, Tom and I would have our own place. This also never materialized and though that was tough to handle, I know now that at that time, it wasn’t the right time for us to have a home. 2018 has shown me that just because you have a picture in your mind of how you want something to go, it will more than likely, never go exactly like that but that is okay. Because in the end, even if we don’t know it, we are exactly where we are supposed to be and as long as you’re surrounded by loving friends and family, any event will be special. Even if every detail doesn’t go as planned.

  1. You’re not alone, remember to lean on your friends and family

There were many moments this year where I felt alone. Wedding planning stress mixed with trying to find a house mixed with just generic health issues had me at my breaking point numerous times. Being the stubborn person I am, I convinced myself I was alone in all of this but in reality, I wasn’t. I have some of the most amazing friends, family, and now husband around me and once I let down my guard and I let them help me, this weight was lifted off my shoulder and I could smile again. 2018 was a year full of memories with some of my best girlfriends and throughout all of it, I believe it really brought us closer together and I can not wait to see the memories we will make in 2019. It’s hard sometimes to believe we aren’t alone when we are going through difficult times. It’s even harder when you suffer from a mental illness that basically convinces you that you are alone in this but the truth is, you’re not. When your going through something stressful, don’t isolate yourself and hide but instead, lean on the ones closest to you, because I guarantee you, once you do, you’ll realize just how loved you are and whatever your dealing with, won’t seem so big anymore.

  1. Home is not always a place

Besides for planning a wedding, my main focus this entire year was trying to buy a house, a home. Our living situation is not the best but after constant disappointment and struggles, I realized something very important. Home isn’t always a place. You could have a huge, two-story house but if it’s not filled with love, all it is is a building. 2018 taught me that my home is with my husband and our two fur babies. It doesn’t matter if we are living in his mom’s house, my grandmas, or our own house, as long as we are together, I know i’m home.

  1. Change can be difficult but it’s inevitable

This year brought two major changes to my life. One good and one bad. Obviously, the good change is that I’m a wife now. Getting married is something I have dreamed about since I was a little girl and it’s still so unreal to me that I really am married. This was a welcomed change. I won’t say it wasn’t scary because it definitely was but it’s a change I am very happy to have happened in my life. On the other hand, losing a job I had been a part of since graduating high school, was a change that brought sadness and still affects me. Though at times my job was difficult, I really did enjoy working in student financial services at my local college. The best part was having so many supportive co-workers who became a second family to me. I knew my temporary position would come to an end in November but it didn’t hurt any less. I’m still struggling with this change. That job was all I’ve known for 4 years and having to now find a new job is beyond stressful to me. But 2018 showed me that you can’t stop change, it’s going to happen. The only thing you can control, is how you deal with that change. Though I am still very upset about my job ending, i’m trying to look at it as an open door and a chance to find a career that i’m meant to be in. A career that truly makes me happy. So even though I know it’s tough, next time a difficult change happens in your life, try to look at what the bright side could be. You never know, it could be the start of the best years of your life.

  1. It’s okay to splurge and treat yourself now and then but not everyone is going to agree with you

After planning and paying for a wedding basically on our own, Tom and I were ready to just get away. We were extremely blessed to be able to take a two and a half week honeymoon that including going to three, well 7 if you count the ports, places. We started our honeymoon in North Carolina, than Walt Disney World, and finally, an 8 day eastern Caribbean carnival cruise to Grand Turk, Puerto Rico, St. Kitts, and St. Maarten. This truly was a once-in-a-lifetime trip for us and I am so beyond grateful and happy that we got to experience all we did in those two and a half weeks as newlyweds. However, before going, we got some hate from family members. They believed we were wasting our money and going away for way to long. It was hard to block them out but in the end, we both knew we needed this honeymoon after such a stressful year. 2018 showed me that not everyone is going to agree with your decisions but you have to follow your heart and know that it’s okay to splurge now and then.

  1. Exercise and healthy eating is the best medicine

2018 was the year Tom and I finally joined our local gym. Both of us wanted to get more in shape for the wedding but more than just weight loss for me, the gym became a place where I felt at peace. I had always been told that exercise and eating healthy works wonders for anxiety and depression but I was always too stubborn and lazy to try. Once I got engaged though, I knew I wanted to be healthier before walking down that aisle so I let Tom convince me to join the gym and that was one of the best decisions I made this past year. Working out provides me with clarity,energy, and just a sense of happiness and purpose that I don’t always feel. I absolutely love going to the gym and even though I haven’t been in a while due to all the wedding, honeymoon,and holiday stress, I can not wait to return this week. 2018 showed me that exercise really does do wonders so next time someone suggests trying the gym to help with anxiety and/or depression, don’t just ignore them but try it. You never know how therapeutic it can be.

  1. Remember to document the memories, not just the place

As many of you know, I love to take pictures, videos, and write about memories I have made. Documenting my life is something that is both fun and therapeutic for me. This year, I have also got into vlogging more serious and hope by the end of 2019, will have a YouTube channel up and running to share that side of my life. Though I took probably over 1000 photos on my honeymoon, one thing I noticed was many of my photos were of the places or things around me. 2018 showed me that it’s not the place that is important, but the memory and the people you share these experiences with that is important to document. 20 years from now, I want to look in a photo album and see pictures of my husband and I on the beach in Grand Turk vs. just a plain beach picture. Though I took some like this, I really wish I took more. Especially when it comes to the videos I took. So next time your documenting a moment, remember that it’s the people who are most important to capture and the beauty of the place is just a bonus.

  1. But also know when to just savor the moment and put the camera down

As important as documenting may be, you also need to know when to just put the camera down and savor the moment. Though Tom loves to take pictures and video too, he is a heavy believer in just savoring certain moments. When we were in Disney, we got to witness the Happily Ever After Fireworks and also were given a wishing key to hold and make a wish on during the show. I was so determined to capture the fireworks on video, that even though we made a wish and I shed some tears because of how beautiful the display was, I feel in my heart I didn’t get to savor such a special moment with my husband because I was too focused on recording the show to watch later. 2018 has shown me that it’s okay to want to document everything, but just know that some things are only meant to be saved in a memory. Some moments will be 10x more special if they are just moments shared with the person or people around you and not photographed or videotaped to see in the future.

So there you have it, 8 things 2018 has taught me. Like I said in my last post, 2018 has been the happiest, yet, most difficult year of my life. It was filled with memories and laughter but also disappointment and tears, but through it all, 2018 was truly an unforgettable year and one that taught me so much. So now I ask you, what is something 2018 taught you this year? Drop a comment down below and as alway, I hope you enjoyed reading this!

Until next time,

Kaylee D. ❤

2018, The year of Change

2018, The year of Change

 

I can’t even wrap my head over the fact that today is the last day of 2018. This year has been one of the most difficult but also most joyish years of my life. The memories I have made throughout this year are some of the most important memories I know I will ever have and I feel beyond blessed this year to have experienced all that I got to experience. Because of this, I thought it would be fun to write an overview of my year type blog post, highlighting the top moments, good and bad, that have shaped my 2018. Before I begin though, I am aware that it has been a long time since I last posted a blog post and I am so sad that that is the case. My life has been pretty crazy since the wedding but my goal in the next few weeks is to post many different blog posts catching you all up on my beautiful wedding, amazing mini moon/honeymoon, and just life in general. But for today, if you would like to read more about the best year of my life, just keep on reading. 🙂

 

January

The first month of the year I started off by saying that this was going to be my “perfect” year. Sitting here today, I have learned that there is no such thing as “Perfect”. One of the biggest lessons 2018 has taught me is nothing is ever going to go as “perfect” as you think, but that’s for another blog post. Though this is true, I really did find the perfect for me wedding gown and in the beginning of January, my grandmother bought it for me and we picked out the bridesmaid dresses from David’s Bridal. Finding such a picture perfect princess gown was something I had dreamed of since I was a little girl and I remember when I turned and faced the mirror for the first time, I couldn’t help but smile. In that moment, it became real to me that in 9 months, I was going to be walking down the aisle to my best friend in this dress. No words can truly express how I felt in that moment and I am so happy that I had one of my bridesmaids record that moment for me.

February

My happy moment though, did not last long because that following month, I became very sick. The first couple weeks of february were straight hell. In and out of urgent care, the emergency room, not being able to eat solid food,dehydrated constantly, being told I was fine when I felt like I was dying and finally going through an endoscopy to learn that I had gastritis and an hiatal hernia. Throughout all of that, I also started to suffer heavily with depersonalization and dissociation symptoms. Now I had experienced these before but never this strong and unfortunately, these would continue to affect me for most of 2018. Though the beginning part of february was probably the hardest weeks physically and mentally of my life, the month ended with me finally getting the stomach medication I needed, celebrating valentines day for the first time as an engaged couple, registering at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, and finally, Tom leasing a 2018 honda civic hatchback.

49589751_381620702598661_5604260141718306816_n

March

March brought another first for Tom and I, our first overnight trip away together just the two of us. March 21st marked 5 years since Tom and I became an official couple and even though every year we tried to go away for our anniversary, something always happened that made our plans fall through. This year was different though. This year, we finally went away and even if it was just one night near Mohegan Sun, it was such a fun and special trip for the two of us. Not only did I get to taste my first warm Krispy Kreme doughnut, I also got to gamble for the first time and spend quality time with my husband to be.

April

To help booked couples see how their wedding reception will go, Fox Hill Inn has a mini reception/tasting each year specifically for booked couples. April was the month Tom and I finally got to experience a taste of what our wedding night would be. We got to taste a bunch of different delicious food, dance some, and even get a special deal on different wedding day stations for our guests. This fox hill mini reception was definitely the highlight of April for me because it really got me excited for my wedding and also relaxed me on some of the details for that day.

May

May, however, was another month where there were good moments, but also defining tough ones. For the good, May was the month we selected our wedding menu, I decided to get my hair dyed blonde ombre, Megan had her Bridal shower and probably the most important moment of all, I finally graduated DCC after 4 years with an associates in general studies. May though was also the month I had my last therapy session with a therapist I really loved and trusted. When Lori informed me she would be leaving, I felt my entire world turn upside down. Lori made me feel less crazy, she believed in me and she respected my medication fear. Losing her was beyond hard but the things she had taught me in the months prior were things I was able to carry with me and though I know I will eventually have to find a new therapist, Lori showed me i’m not as broken or messed up as I once believed.

June

June was a happy month. Adrian, my best friend’s son, turned one and we had a wonderful birthday party for him. It was so unreal to me that he was already 1 when it seemed like just yesterday he was this infant lexi placed in my arms. Watching him grow was definitely one of my favorite parts of this past year. My cousin Michael and his fiance Megan got married which caused Tom to finally get to go to a wedding. That day was just filled with love and once again, really made me excited for my upcoming nuptials in 4 months. I also got a job as a temporary program assistant in my office which brought much more responsibility to my life and though at times this job would make me want to scream, I am so happy I was able to have had that experience. Lastly, June was the month where me and my girls finally did a pre-wedding activity and went to the Bronx zoo together. We even made minnie mouse hats to wear so everyone knew this was a pre-bachelorette outing!

July

July was also a fun month. Tom turned 23 and we went on our annual Ocean City NJ vacation trip with my family from Pennsylvania. Like always, that trip was nothing but fun but this year it was so sentimental thinking back to last July when Tom popped the question at the top of the wonder wheel. July was also the month that Tom and I got pre-approved for a mortgage. At the time, I cried with happiness but my little naive self was not prepared for all that was soon going to hit me because of it.

August

August began with a camping trip to Gilberts Lake with Tom, my soon to be brother and sister in laws and Victoria’s fiance. What started off as a trip I was dreading, became a highlight of my entire year and one of the most fun trips I had been on in a long time. The following weekend, I walked into my surprise Bridal shower which was also so much fun and Tom and I wound up getting so many amazing gifts. We sent out our wedding invitations to our guests and than got hit with the first of a few house disappointments. When a house we had fallen in love with accepted an offer that wasn’t ours, I was heartbroken. It was like I saw my future in front of me and with a phone call it had all broken away. Slowly though, with Toms help, I got over losing that “perfect” home and we continued our house hunting.

September

In September, my girls and I went on another pre-bachelorette outing and went to Six Flags for the day. I got my hair dyed back to my natural brunette color and my baby girl Luna turned 2 years old. This month I also hit 50 followers on this blog and though it doesn’t seem like a lot, it meant the world to me. Which is partly why, sitting here now, I feel so sad because I hate not posting here for all of you but life and mental illness have just gotten in the way so much and have prevented me from having any motivation to write lately. I can only hope that 2019 will be the year where I really do keep up with my blog and also, finally, start a youtube channel.

October

October. Oh October. This was the month that highlighted my entire year. I had an amazing bachelorette weekend at Mohegan Sun with my girls, a fun-filled rehearsal dinner and after party at Olive Garden and Round one, a relaxing salon day the day before the wedding with my girls and of course, the most important event of all of 2018, my wedding day. October 28th 2018 was the day I finally married my best friend, my soul mate, and the love of my life. Our Disney themed wedding was a day straight out of a story book and better than anything I could have ever dreamed of. After our wedding, we also got to have a wonderful mini-moon at Cove Haven which was the perfect way to end such a fairytale month. It’s crazy to think I started October 2018 as Kaylee DeMarco but ended it as Kaylee D’Ascanio.

November

Our actual honeymoon started in November. But November was also the month that my position at DCC ended which also ended my 4 year long job in the student financial services office. Having to leave a job I love and more importantly, coworkers who had became family was one of the hardest things I had to do and something I’m still struggling with. But when I think of November, I think of our magical honeymoon. Leaving the day after thanksgiving, we began our honeymoon in North Carolina where I finally got to meet Tom’s family down there. After 4 days there, we headed to Florida where I finally got to experience all the Magic of Disney World. I won’t lie, I cried when I saw the castle for the first time. Ending November in the happiest place on earth, well, I couldn’t ask for anything better.

December

The start of December, Tom and I boarded our 8 day Eastern Caribbean Carnival cruise, our last part to our magical honeymoon. We got to visit Puerto Rico, St. Maarten, Grand Turk, and St. Kitts. When we returned, it was back to the real world but my annual cousin shopping trip with grandma for christmas, my 23rd birthday, and Christmas itself all helped to make the adjustment from paradise to back home a little less stressful.

And that brings us to today, December 31st 2018. The last day of such an incredible year. As you can see, this year brought many ups, as well as some downs. I started off this year as a fiance and am ending it as a wife. I hope you enjoyed reading this post about my 2018 but now I want to hear from you. Tell me in the comments below what was one defining moment for you in 2018. If you enjoyed this post, especially the pieces about our wedding, mini moon, and honeymoon, than please keep your eye out because my plan is to post a lot about these three things in this upcoming month! Until than, Happy new years everyone! I hope 2018 was a great year for you and I hope that 2019 will be even better! 🙂 

Until next time,

Kaylee D. ❤

20 Tips for a Kick-ass Bachelorette Party!

Hello my darlings!

Can you believe October is already half over! Time is honestly flying by! As many of you know, my wedding is literally around the corner, 12 days away to be exact, and to say I am stressed out is an understatement! Thankfully though, I was able to escape all the wedding planning stress this past weekend and just get away with my girls for what turned out to be a pretty amazing Bachelorette weekend! So today I thought it would be fun to share with you all what my girls and I did this past weekend through a 20 tips for a kick-ass bachelorette party blog post! Below you will find 15 different tips that I followed this weekend plus 5 other tips that I wish I had followed along with some pictures from this truly crazy weekend! So if you want to learn more, just keep on reading! 🙂

 

#1: If you can, go for a whole weekend

From the very beginning of planning out my bachelorette weekend, I had wanted to go from Friday to Sunday. Unfortunately, due to money and work schedules, we were only able to do a Saturday to Sunday getaway. Even though we all had a great time, some things felt rush and I definitely wish we had that extra day and night to do stuff so if you can make it work, I highly recommend getting away for a full weekend with your girls. Remember, you’re only going to have one bachelorette party, you might as well make it the best you can!

#2: Buy and wear special outfits for your Bachelorette weekend

Your bachelorette weekend is all about you and what better way to show this than to wear an outfit that screams you are a bride-to-be. Pick out an all white outfit that you feel your absolute best in. Make sure to take into account what the weekend will consist of so you don’t under or over dress however. If you don’t know where exactly you’re going that weekend because it is a surprise, have your maid of honor or bridesmaids just give you a clue on the dress code. For myself, I knew I was going to Mohegan sun and we planned to hit the clubs and the casino so I chose a more club like attire for the first night. I picked out white skinny jeans and this button up white long sleeve crop top from Charlotte Russe as my Bachelorette night outfit and I couldn’t be happier with how it looked. I added this flower crown with a small veil from Icing to top off the whole bride look and for some of the night, also wore one of my bridesmaid over the knee heeled black boots (more on that later). I truly felt more confident than I had in a long time walking out in that outfit which set the tone for the whole night! On Sunday, since we were going to the aquarium, I simply chose to wear my Bride T-shirt from David’s Bridal and high waisted jeans from Charlotte Russe with a cardigan. I also wore my bridal flower crown because why not! Like I said, you’re only a bride once, why not live it up!

#3: Buy either buttons or sashes for you and your crew to wear that weekend.

Just like you want everyone to know you’re the soon to be bride, you also want everyone to know who your bridesmaids are. You can either use buttons or sashes for this. I chose to pick up some Bride and Bride’s crew pink and black buttons from Spencers for my girls and since I had 6 people coming including my mom and soon to be mother in law, it worked perfectly because the package came with 6 bride’s crew buttons and one bride one.

 

#4: Figure out a timeline for the night

This one we did, however, we planned the wrong timeline. We decided to first get all ready and dolled up at the hotel and drink some before heading out to dinner. We then went from the restaurant to Mohegan Sun. Though this worked out fine, if we had altered the timeline instead to going out for dinner first and than going back to the hotel to get ready and pre-game, we all would have drank more and been more tipsy by the time we got to Mohegan and therefore wouldn’t have bought as many drinks as we did. Even though we did pregame some, (my maid of honor and one bridesmaid finished an entire bottle of wine), the buzz had definitely worn off by the time we got to Mohegan sun. Which brings me to my next tip;

#5: Bring alcohol and pre-game at the hotel

Buying and bringing alcohol to drink in the hotel before heading to the club/bar, will save you money in the long run. Now of course this only works if you have someone as your DD or you’re taking an Uber or taxi but if that is the case, I highly recommend it. I wish I had gotten to drink more of the Mikes that I had brought instead of just two and a half before heading out.

#6: DIY Koozies

I knew I had wanted to get custom Koozies for the girls and me for this weekend but found them to be quite expensive through Etsy. Instead, I ordered plain white and blue koozies from amazon and using acrylic paint, painted each one in each girls respective color. To go with my Disney theme. I wrote Happily Ever After Bridesmaid/Maid of Honor/Mother of the Bride/Mother of the Groom/ Bride. I think they came out pretty good and my girls loved them!

#7: Penis Straws…need I say more

What’s a bachelorette party without some Penis things. A perfect way to incorporate this without being over the top are these cool penis straws I got from Spencers. I got the colorful pack but they also have a pack with glow in the dark ones. Add that to a #bride cup and you’re all set!

44255937_2092774574370370_4154124928838270976_n.jpg

#8: Invest in a Polaroid camera

This is something I will be getting before my mini moon and honeymoon because it made for some really cute vintage themed photos. One of my bridesmaids brought hers with us and it was such a fun way to capture some of the memories from our trip. My maid of Honor picked up these really cute glitter frames from Marshalls and together, it made for a great memento from a weekend away with my girls.

44118506_2192052181037078_2552380007519354880_n.jpg

#9: Pick a fun restaurant with your favorite food to eat at

My favorite food by far is steak so it was a no brainier we would go to some sort of steakhouse for dinner. Since Texas Roadhouse was the closest to our hotel, we decided to go there and i’m so happy we did. Not only did I get some really delicious prime rib and shared a really fruity alcoholic beverage with my girls, I also got to ride on a saddle while my girls cheered as our waiter announced to the entire restaurant I was “celebrating my last few days of freedom”. The whole moment was one that made for some great pictures and an even better video.

 

#10: Don’t over eat or stuff yourself

Though it might be tempting, try not to over eat or stuff yourself when out for your weekend. At Texas roadhouse, I really wanted to eat multiple rolls and get cheese fries but knowing I had a long night of dancing and drinking ahead of me, I made sure to eat light since I know my stomach. Plus, if you’re going someplace where there is food, you don’t want to overeat at the first place of the night and have no room for treats later.

#11: Wear cute but comfortable shoes

This is something I know to do yet somehow let two of my bridesmaids talk me into wearing one of theirs over the knee black heeled boots. We weren’t even at Margaritaville for 10 minutes before my feet hurt so bad I had to take them off. Thankfully, my mom was willing to let me wear her long dark brown flat boots and she bought herself a pair of Toms from the shoe store within Mohegan Sun. If you know your going somewhere with a lot of walking, dancing or standing, wear shoes that you feel comfortable being in for a long night to avoid any barefoot scenarios.

#12: Have all your bridesmaid wear one color

This is something I wish I had coordinated but for some reason didn’t. It didn’t hit me how much I wish I had done this though until we went to Avalon where three other Bachelorette groups were, two which had all their bridesmaids in black. If I could have done something different this weekend, I would have had all my girls dress in sapphire blue to really show that we were a group out celebrating.

#13: Pace yourself when it comes to drinking

This is an important one that I think we all followed pretty well. Of course you want to drink and have a good time but if you don’t pace yourself, you’ll either be so wasted you won’t remember anything or you’ll pass out before the night is over. Neither of which is a fun option.

#14: Make sure to take lots of pictures and video with a good reliable camera

Once I got back to the hotel, I realized over half of the photos took that night came out blurry. I thought my Note 9 camera would have been good enough but I wish I had followed my gut and bought the vlogging camera I’ve been wanting for months, the canon m50, before this trip. I know if I did I would have gotten many more pictures and videos throughout the night and also much better quality ones.

#15: Make hangover kits

I had always planned to make next day hangover kits but time just got away from me and I never got them done. If this is something you would like to do, Pinterest has a ton of ideas on making the perfect ones! I was going to take a tumbler and customize each one with the girls name and than put in the tumbler Advil, gum, a hair tie, makeup remover wipes, tums, Pepto, band-aids and lotion.

#16: Create a special frame picture of the night

This was another Pinterest find that I wanted to do and then completely forgot to do it until I arrived. Basically, you take a white board and write or print out either Kiss the Miss goodbye or Kisses for the Future misses and than, using a Polaroid camera, you take pictures of each girl and than of yourself and each girl not only signs the board, but they also kiss it. Than you put the board in a picture frame. This is something i’m so mad I forgot to put together.

#17: Go to an Aquarium or zoo

On Sunday, we decided to have a chill day at the nearby Aquarium and it was so much fun. My girls and I are huge animal lovers so something like this was the perfect way to spend our last day celebrating together.

 

#18: Get Bridal Crew shirts

Another idea I had and wanted to do but never got to doing so. The buttons were perfect for Saturday night in our clubbing outfit but I wish I had gotten custom shirts done for Sunday’s adventures. It would have been a nice addition to our weekend and made for some really cute photos.

#19: Buy a souvenir(s) to symbolize your weekend

I’ve always wanted to collect something and I finally decided this past summer to collect shot glasses. So of course, I had to get a shot glass from each place we went to this weekend. Not only does it make a great addition to my collection, each time I look at those shot glasses, it will remind me of the amazing weekend I had with my girls! I did get a couple of other souvenirs, including this adorable Penguin backpack that I am absolutely in love with. I have been searching for the perfect penguin purse or backpack for years now and I finally found it in the Mystic Aquarium gift shop.

#20: Finish the weekend off with some food with your girls

Last but not least, finish off your girls weekend with some yummy food. My second favorite food is pizza so I was very happy to finally be able to get pizza from the Hollywood famous pizza place, Mystic Pizza. The pizza was really good and made me want to finally watch the movie my mother had always talked about.

44178260_2118750251468742_2941855544660459520_n.jpg

So there you have it, 20 tips for a kick-ass bachelorette weekend. Though it took a lot to organize, I am so happy with how everything came out! I hope you enjoyed this post, I certainly enjoyed writing it for all of you and reliving this weekend but now I want to hear from you! Do you have a tip that I forgot? Or maybe have a funny bachelorette experience you want to share? If so, drop a comment down below! 🙂

 

Until next time,

Kaylee D. ❤

 

Monster

I’m crying and falling a part

While you just sit there and stare at me

When did I become the enemy?

When did I become the person you don’t want to see?

What happened to loving me? Protecting me? Saving me?

Am I too broken for your sympathy?

What happened to your empathy?

I thought you were the one sent to me

To rescue me from this tragedy

Instead it seems like you’re the one burying me

Leaving me a victim to the voices in my head

The voices that tell me i’m better off dead

The ones that say everyone would be happier if I was gone

I’m starting to believe their song

For the way you look at me now, it seems they were right all along

So why am I still trying to survive?

Why am I still trying to thrive in a world that wishes me to die?

When I know deep inside, I will never be anything you need

Just another useless mouth to feed

Just another bitch you don’t want to see

Everyday I’m losing more and more of me

More and more of the person I used to be

As the pain takes over and drowns me

And leaves me in a puddle of my own tears, my own blood

Left on the side of the road in a ditch covered in mud

Begging for the sweet escape of death

Giving up on the thought of anyone rescuing me

From the monster that keeps consuming me

From the anger that keeps rising endlessly

Inside of me, causing me to want to hurt anyone I see

Screaming out in agony

At these sudden violent tendencies, stay away from me

I will hurt you, can’t you see, there is no controlling me

Don’t fucking walk away from me

No one can save me from the monster, no matter how hard they may try

No one can save me from this thing that wants me to die

From the being that strangles and tortures me day and night

The anger continues to build up inside

Making it harder and harder to breathe, harder and harder to survive

I don’t want to be alive

As the anger rises it becomes clearer and clearer for me to see

The monster to blame is

Me

Sea of Darkness

Extreme pain shoots through my upper back.

My fingers are swollen and sore and my legs feel to weak to walk.

I try to sit at work but the pain is getting to be too much for me to handle, too much for me to hide.

I need to walk away for a moment, I need to go somewhere I can be alone.

I rush to the bathroom.

Once there, I start to cry. I don’t want to cry but the pain is too intense.

Even more, the thought of dealing with this for the rest of my life scares me more than words can say.

Knowing this will always be the case, knowing this will always be my life.

How do I ever expect to live a normal life when these diseases keep taking over my body. Inhabiting every joint, every muscle.

Normal tasks like brushing my hair are even too much to handle. I struggle to open my water bottle because my fingers refuse to work.

With each letter I type, I feel my fingers burn, causing tears to hit my eyes because writing is my life. How can something that brings me so much joy cause pain to my body?

I’m so tired, so exhausted all the time. I don’t have energy to do the things I once loved to do. Some days, it’s a struggle to even get out of my bed. My body feels like a rock and the more I try to pull myself up to get ready, the heavier my body seems to become.

People ask why i’m so tired all the time, they ask me why I struggle to keep my eyes open.

Concerned that i’m not getting the proper amount of sleep but don’t they understand it doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, I will always be tired. Because my exhaustion is not from being sleepy, no, instead my exhaustion is from the constant struggle to just survive in a body that constantly wants to quit.

This pain, though, also keeps me up at night causing constant insomnia, that only increases the exhaustion I feel.

I long for those days from my childhood. The days before Arthritis and Fibromyalgia invaded my body. I long to be that girl again whose body never kept her down. Who could run and play for hours without having to worry about not being able to get out of bed the next day. Who could keep up with everyone else instead of fall behind due to the pain in her knees being so bad she can’t possibly keep up their pace.

When I have a flare, thoughts of being wheelchair bound by the time i’m 40 start to stir in my head.

Thoughts of not being able to hold and play with my children haunt my life.

How can I tell my child “Mommy can’t hold you today because she is in pain” when they’re reaching out to me?

This thought constantly makes me just want to cry because it’s the realization that I will always be suffering.

I’m sick of disappointing the ones around me. Of having to cancel plans or change plans because my body just can’t do what everyone wanted to that day.

I’m sick of coming in late to work or calling out completely because I physically can’t move that day.  

Sick of having people say to me, “Well, you don’t look like your sick or in pain” when in reality it feels like i’m dying and my entire body is being constantly tortured by itself.

The fear of things never getting better, the fear that it will only get worse from here is constantly on my mind. Even on the days I feel good, that fear pricks my mind, reminding me that this feeling won’t last.

I’m usually good at hiding this fear. I’m usually good at pushing through the pain and doing my very best but days like today, day’s where the weather is bad and i’m having a full-on flare up, I can’t help but break my usual facade.

I’m scared, i’m hurting and i’m just so tired of fighting.

And though I know I need to just remain strong, some days, it’s so hard to see the light when i’m surrounded by a sea of darkness.

15 Things to do this Fall

What’s up everyone! It’s officially the first day of Fall! Fall is by far my favorite season of the year, so of course the only way to kick of this beautiful season on this blog would be with a post about my favorite things to do in the Fall. So if you want to know about some super fun things to do yourself this Autumn season, just keep on reading! 🙂

  1. Go Apple Picking

This is one I haven’t gotten to do in a few years but last weekend I was finally able to go Apple picking with my best friend, her son, her boyfriend and Tom at our local Apple Orchard. It was so much fun and reminded me of how much I love going Apple Picking. The only thing I would change for next year is when we go. I rather wait until the last weekend in September or first weekend in October (when it is officially fall in other words) because Apple picking isn’t as fun when it’s super hot out.

     2. Have a Harry Potter Marathon

It’s no surprise that I am a total Potter fanatic! I’m down to watching the Harry Potter movies at any point during the year but it’s extra fun to have a total Potter marathon during the fall season. I just love popping up some popcorn and getting into my Harry Potter PJ’s and Hogwarts robe before cuddling with my boo under an over sized blanket to watch the genius of J.K. Rowling’s world come to life on my TV screen. Something about all of those movies just put me in that Fall and Halloween spirit. 

   3. Have Halloween Movie Friday nights!!

Speaking of movies, it isn’t really Autumn until you watch some classic Halloween-themed movies! Tom and I have decided that this year, every Friday leading up to Halloween (minus the one on my bachelorette weekend and the one on our wedding weekend), we will watch either a Halloween movie or a scary movie. Some of my all time favorites include The Nightmare Before Christmas, Hocus Pocus, and Beetlejuice!!

   4. Go pumpkin picking

Not a single year has gone by where I didn’t go to the pumpkin patch and pick pumpkins. It’s one of my favorite Fall activities to do and what makes it even better is being able to bring our pups along with us! Not only is it adorable watching them in the pumpkin patch but it makes for some really amazing photos too!

    5. Carve (or paint) pumpkins

Speaking of pumpkins, no one likes a plain, boring pumpkin sitting in front of their house. Another tradition that I have never missed is carving pumpkins. I just love to come up with a new and creative design to carve my pumpkin into. This year to make things interesting, Tom and I have decided when the time comes, we will make our carving night into a competition. The winner will get to choose which movie we watch that night. You can guarantee if Tom wins, I will have to watch a scary movie so this will be interesting. If carving isn’t your thing, you can also choose to paint your pumpkins. This is definitely a much cleaner option and can result in some really awesome looking pumpkin creations. 

   6. Drink white hot chocolate

Most girls would probably have written down drink pumpkin spice lattes, but I’m not a fan of coffee. In fact, I don’t like coffee at all. Instead, my hot beverage of choice for these chilly months is hot chocolate, specifically white hot chocolate. As soon as the weather starts to have that brisk chill in the air, you can guarantee I’ll be at Starbucks getting some white hot chocolate! Unfortunately, very few places sell white hot chocolate and it’s even harder to find in the store. Luckily though, Starbucks has it and it’s beyond delicious!

   7. Make a pumpkin pie

Speaking of sweet treats, my favorite Fall dessert is definitely pumpkin pie! Usually I’m fine with just enjoying pumpkin pie either from the store or my grandma’s kitchen but this year I really want to make my own from scratch!

   8. Go to Fright Fest at Six Flags

I’ve been going to Fright Fest at Six Flags since I was a pre-teen! Even though I’m not a huge fan of scary things, especially clowns and chainsaw dudes, going to Fright Fest is a tradition and one I look forward to every year! I love how the entire theme park gets transformed for Halloween. Not only is the entire theme park decorated with Halloween-themed decorations, once it turns dark, the park fills up with all sorts of characters straight out of a horror movie! You can’t turn a corner without coming in view of a monster or zombie. If you want an extra scary experience, Six Flags also offers multiple extra haunted attractions, such as haunted houses and haunted mazes, to really make you scream in terror. Tom wants to go through one of these attractions this year but we will have to see about that.

   9.Take trips to the Halloween store

It’s not surprising for me to make 5 to 6 trips to Spirit Halloween because I just love going into Halloween stores! It’s something about all the cool costumes and decorations that make me smile every time I get to go. This year especially I’m excited because now that I’ve decided I want to get into cosplay, I’m certain I’ll be buying a few costume pieces and props when they are on sale once Halloween is over! 😉

   10. Go through a corn maze

This is an activity we also tend to do every year because it’s usually in the same place as where we are going pumpkin and/or apple picking. I love going through the corn maze, even if we always seem to get lost. Usually we have our pups with us and let them try to find the exit which is always an interesting endeavor!

   11. Go on a Fall nature hike

One of my favorite parts of Fall is watching the leaves change from green to beautiful red, orange and yellow! The best way to experience these Fall colors, especially in New York is to go on a nature walk. Autumn is the perfect time of year to go on a hike, usually not too warm but not too cold either. I also love taking photography in the Fall so a color hike is the perfect place for me to do just that!

   12. Have a Fall-themed photo shoot

This is a new tradition I want to start doing. As some of you know, I really want to get into cosplay as well as modeling so I would love to do a Fall-themed photo shoot this year. I feel like the best place to do a photo shoot like this would be at either the pumpkin or apple patch, but anywhere with trees would work. Another great thing about starting something like this is I can watch as myself, along as Tom evolve each year and grow as a family.

   13. Wear boots, scarves, beanies and other Fall themed attire

Like I said earlier, I love how Fall’s weather usually is! Fall is also my favorite season when it comes to fashion. I just love wearing boots, beanies, and scarves. I feel they add a special touch to any outfit! 

  1. Watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade while eating cinnamon buns

I have never missed watching the parade on Thanksgiving morning. It’s something I look forward to every year and make sure that I’m up early to not miss any part of it. About 4 years ago, my mom and I added eating cinnamon buns during the parade and now that has become a tradition every Thanksgiving morning.

  1. Have a Thanksgiving dinner

After Christmas, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Not only is the day filled with delicious food, but my favorite part about Thanksgiving is being able to come together as a family and enjoy the day. This Thanksgiving will be the first Thanksgiving where I am officially a D’Ascanio and though I hoped we would be in a house by than to host, I’m still so thankful and excited to spend this Thanksgiving with my combined family, wherever we may be.

             And there you have it, my top 15 Fall activities! I hope you all enjoyed this post and maybe even saw an activity on this list that you hadn’t thought of doing before but now want to! I really enjoyed creating this blog post for all of you but now I want to hear from you; What is your favorite thing to do during the Fall?

Drop a comment down below and as always, if you enjoyed reading this, hit that like button! One last quick thing, my hope is to have my YouTube channel up within the next coming weeks. I wanted to wait until we had our own place but we have hit a few roadblocks recently that is delaying that from happening and I really don’t want to wait too much longer. If I can get my channel up, you can be sure I will be vlogging some of the above activities, plus, all the wedding activities coming up, since it is officially one month until my wedding!! So if you’re interested in getting to see my life through a whole other platform, just keep your eye out for that announcement! 😀

Until next time my darlings,

-Kaylee D. ❤

On the Outside

On the outside. That’s how she felt. Disconnected from the world and the people around her.

Longing to be herself but always being someone else because the person she was would always just annoy people.

Often drinking because when she was drunk, she was free to be the person she really was and people wouldn’t mind because they’d believe it was just the alcohol that caused her to act so free and crazy.

She was the girl who always had big dreams but her dreams never matched with the ones surrounding her.

Wanting to Vlog every chance she could but too scared of what her friends would say.

Wanting to get into modeling and cosplay but convinced her friends would just make fun of her and make her doubt any chance of becoming someone. Just like they always had.

All of this caused the girl to feel alone.

This feeling of loneliness and being out-of-place was nothing new to her though.

For she had felt that way many times throughout her 22 years of life.

Always acting older than she really was, always dreaming of bigger things.

Always the mom of the group, the responsible one.

The one who rather stay at home cuddling with her fiance while watching a movie than out at the club partying into all hours of the night.

A girl who had an imagination like no other but whose imagination kept becoming less and less as reality took over.

Who once could look at a blank piece of paper and write for hours about a new land but now stares at a half-written novel with not a clue of where to go.

She dreams of becoming someone, of becoming famous.

And not because of the normal reasons someone wants to become famous but because by being famous people would hear her story.

They would hear her constant struggle with anxiety and depression.

How she suffers everyday in a body that just wants to quit because Arthritis has invaded every joint and Fibromyalgia has taken over every muscle.

How she has always felt on the outside but no matter what kept going.

She wants to be famous to help the ones out there who suffer too.

Who wake up in the morning and wish they never had.

To show them they can conquer any of their demons and that life is worth all this pain.

To show them, they are not alone.

She dreams of the day her story will help others.

But often that dream becomes dark when she thinks of how she will never be good enough. When she stares at that piece of paper and that sense of magic doesn’t spark her fingers to start to type causing her to wonder if she even has the talent to cause people to want to hear her.

She’s just a girl trying to fit into a world she will never belong in.

Because the world today wasn’t built for people like her.

Wasn’t made for the ones with creativity in their heart, the ones who believe in magic and love. The world today crushes the people who are like her, crushes people who are different.

But people who are different are people who are special.

They are the ones who can change the world, they are the ones that bring that sense of magic into others lives.

Who can turn the dark and grey into a rainbow and a frown into a smile.

Sadly, too often society wins and these people who could have done so much, are consumed by the dark reality and that spark of magic in them goes out, never to be lit again.

She is caught between the special person she is and the person society wishes for her to become.

Stuck between the two, fighting to keep the magic in her alive.

But magic doesn’t pay the bills, magic doesn’t get you a house, magic can’t feed a family.

How can magic survive in a world that is designed to kill creativity.

How can she continue to believe in mythicality and childhood dreams when her life calls for her to grow up and forget those silly fantasies.

When people constantly tell her that she can’t be herself in public because by being herself and following her dreams, shes destined to fail at life.

When they tell her to give up those silly fantasies of becoming a writer, of becoming a known Youtuber and model and start focusing on the real world because you’re a grown up now.

So she continues to be stuck in between, still on the outside, yearning for the day she realizes that being on the outside is better than being consumed on the inside. The day where she is confident enough to ignore the ones around her who only believe she will fail and follow her dreams with everything she has.

The day she realizes how lucky she is to be different in such a cookie-cutter world because that will be the day she will unlock the special power within her and ignite a flame that no one will ever be able to stomp out.