Health Update

My physical health has been up and down these last few weeks. I have my good days where I can get work done and enjoy life, but I also have my really bad days where I can’t get out of bed without feeling faint and dizzy. My mental health, on the other hand, has been consistently rough. My anxiety has gotten severe and even though I didn’t realize it at first, so has my depression. This is heavily due to the fact my future has been on my mind a lot lately, especially one certain aspect of my future; having kids. For as long as I can remember, I dreamed about becoming a mother. Tom and I had always discussed having children in our early twenties, shortly after getting married. But being diagnosed with Lupus has turned our entire plan upside down.

The reality is that having Lupus does increase my chances of miscarriage, birth complications and even infertility all together. Yes, I know there are many women out there with Lupus who have children and had problem-free pregnancies but there are also many who have not. Just knowing that we could have problems getting/staying pregnant and there is a chance we may never become pregnant at all is a thought that honestly breaks my heart. Before this diagnosis, we had a plan. Shortly after our 1 year anniversary, we would begin to actively try for a baby as long as we felt we were in a financially good space to do so. But now, that can’t happen. I need my health to be in check before we even consider trying. But we are also still on a timeline because the older I get and the longer I’m on my medication, the harder pregnancy will be for me and the risk factor goes higher. It is so hard to hear friends and family ask me, “so when will you guys have a baby?” knowing that I don’t know that answer anymore. It hurts having to explain why we need to wait and even explaining how it may never happen biologically for us. I always feared infertility issues, always scared that my biggest dream wouldn’t be able to come true for me. I wish I could get testing done now, to know before we start to try and have to experience heartbreak over and over again if it turns out that I can’t become pregnant or hold a pregnancy. But doctors won’t run those tests unless it’s necessary.

I thought by 24, I would be pregnant with my first child or already have a child. I never thought by 24 I would be diagnosed with Lupus, uncertain if I ever would be able to become a mom. I’m trying my hardest to turn this diagnosis into something positive, to use my experiences to help others. But some days, it’s just so hard to look on the bright side. I feel like I’m grieving, I’m grieving the life I had and the life I thought I would have. The life that was robbed from me by this illness I never asked for. I still have big dreams, dreams that I want so badly to come true but I always fear that my mental and physical health will keep me from ever achieving them. I feel constantly trapped, having to rely on everyone for everything because I can’t do things myself anymore. I can’t drive, I can’t work, hell, some days I can’t even make it up the stairs without help! When I go out, I constantly have to monitor how I’m feeling, often going through periods of lightheadedness and just an overall underlying panic of something going wrong. I won’t even go anywhere if Tom, my mother or my grandmother are not with me because at least I know they understand and they know what to do if god forbid, I get really sick out of nowhere. It sucks having to live like that.

People keep telling me that “it could be worse” and that “I’m going to be okay” and though I know they are right, some days I don’t want to hear it! Because the truth is, yea, it could be worse but this freaking sucks too! And I have every right to be angry and sad about having my independence ripped away! Than on the other hand, I have people compare my illness to others with the same and that hurts worse because everyone deals with illnesses differently and everyone experiences different symptoms. Just because one person is able to work and drive with Lupus, doesn’t mean that I can. I’m trying my hardest but I also can’t risk my life and my health getting worse. I’m at my breaking point as is and basically being told I’m not trying my hardest, that I’m being lazy and using my Lupus and anxiety as an excuse, it’s just beyond heart wrenching and makes me want to cry. Because I am trying my hardest, I’m pushing myself as much as I can.

I’m not happy with my life but I refuse to just give up. I guess I just need to continue taking everything one day at a time, hold onto faith, and no matter what, stay strong. That’s the only way I’ll get through this challenging time. Friends and family tell me how strong I am and how well I have handled this. But the truth is, what other choice did I have? I either let this break me or grow from it. And even on days like today, where I’m deep in my head and am feeling so discouraged, I know I won’t let this shatter me. 

Until next time,

Kaylee D. ❤

11 Things to do when anxiety/depression messes with your mind

pexels-photo-390574.jpegHello everyone! This past week has been stressful to say the least for me. My anxiety and depression have been messing with my mind quite a lot recently so I figured for today’s blog post, I would tell you guys all about the top 11 things I do when I’m having a rough mental health day that usually help to brighten my mood! So if you would like to learn more, just keep on reading!

1. Listen to music

So the first thing I tend to do is one that I think many people who suffer from depression and/or anxiety do as well, listen to music. Music truly has a way of relaxing your mind and healing you. When I’m really not feeling okay, I put on my headphones and start listening to music on Spotify. This past Christmas my mom got me the Beats solo 3 headphones in white and then also got me a Disney tsum tsum skin it for them! These have became my all time favorite headphones and I do not leave the house without them! The music I listen to tends to change but for the last couple months my go to album is Taylor Swift’s Reputation. I’m literally obsessed with every song on this album and something about her music just makes me feel better. I’ve always been a Taylor Swift fan but there’s just something with her new music that really appeals to me. I also constantly listen to The Greatest Showman soundtrack when I’m feeling just not right. There are multiple songs on that album that are so inspiring! Specifically, This is me and A million Dreams! It’s not uncommon for me to just have these two songs play over and over because I never get tired of listening to them!

2. Take a hot shower

If I’m feeling really anxious or really out of it, the first thing I normally want to do is take a shower. There’s just something about being in the shower, alone with my thoughts that is strangely comforting. Recently I found out that if I sit down in the shower and let the hot water pour over me almost like rain, it’s very relaxing. The mixture of the hot water, the sound the water makes and the feel of the water hitting my skin creates a calming atmosphere. A lot of times I’ll sit down and just breathe slowly, clearing my mind of anything other than that moment. It’s a weird type of meditation method but it usually helps. Most of the time, I walk out of the shower feeling much more relaxed.

3. Watch YouTube videos

I honestly feel like YouTube was one of the best creations. Not only did it create a new outlet for people to get their voice out there and become famous, but it also created a platform for people to watch videos of all different kinds. My favorite YouTube channel is definitely Good Mythical Morning. Rhett and Link have become idols to me and I know if I’m ever feeling depressed or anxious, I can just watch their videos and instantly I feel better. They never fail to make me smile and laugh with all the crazy things they do on their show. Other YouTubers that I tend to watch when I’m feeling out of it include Jenna Marbles, JonTron, Kalyn Nicholson, Rooster Teeth, and Funhaus. I’m always so inspired by YouTubers and hope this is the year I finally grow enough courage to create a channel of my own.

4. Write anything

When I say anything, I mean anything. If I’m anxious or depressed, writing always helps to calm my mind. Whether it’s working on one of the novels I’m writing, writing a new poem, journaling, or even just writing down my favorite quotes, writing is very therapeutic for me. My dream is to be an author one day so writing is obviously very important in my life. Getting my thoughts down on paper, specifically though, really does help calm my mind and take the edge off…most of the time.

5. Organize/clean the room

At the moment, my fiancé and I live between both his house and my grandma’s house. It’s exhausting and gets really hard pretty much living through a bag. Due to this, I get very stressed out over the whole situation and both his room and my room tend to get very cluttered and unorganized. When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I often will reorganize and straighten up my surroundings. I honestly believe it’s true that when your place is a mess, your life tends to be one too. It’s hard to think clearly when you’re surrounded by junk and you keep losing your stuff because there is no organization. Straightening up whatever room I’m in that day really does help ease my mind, even if it’s only a temporary fix. I also tend to listen to my music while cleaning which helps even more.

6. Watch a TV Show

Lately I’ve been obsessed with watching South Park. When I was younger, I swore I would never like a show like this but Tom got me hooked and now I can’t stop watching. A lot of times if I’m feeling depressed, Tom and I will watch a few episodes of South Park to cheer me up. You can’t help but laugh at the things Cartman and his friends go through on that show. Another show I’ll tend to binge watch lately is Bridezilla’s. That show is so crazy that it never fails to make me laugh.

7. Play a video game

Playing video games is one of the best stress relievers I have found out there. Especially if it’s a game where your character can fight things. My go to game right now is South Park’s Fractured But Whole. The game is a lot of fun and centers around fighting other characters so if I’m really anxious, playing this game definitely helps to take the edge off.

8. Color or draw

I can’t be the only one who was psyched when adult coloring books became a thing. I loved coloring when I was little and love it even more now that I’m an adult. If I’m feeling anxious, pulling out one of my many adult coloring books and my set of fine point markers always helps to calm my mind. If I’m feeling particularly ambitious,  I may pull out my sketch book instead and actually draw and color my own picture. Either way, coloring and drawing lets me escape from reality for just a little while.

9. Punch my punching bag

I have wanted a punching bag for years now and this past Christmas Tom actually bought me one, complete with pink boxing gloves. Not only is punching a great exercise routine but it’s an amazing stress relief. If I’m angry, anxious, or just not feeling okay, I put on my gloves and punch the crap out of the bag. Unfortunately, my bag is at my grandma’s so I can only do this when I’m there. When I’m there though, this technique always helps me and I walk away feeling much better than I did before I began punching.

10. Create a Perler Bead creation

I love Perler beads. I loved them when I was little and now that I’m older, I enjoy creating more difficult creations. There is something extremely relaxing to me when I am creating a new Perler bead creation. If I didn’t suffer from back pain from being hunched over for so long, I would create so many more creations than I do now. Still though, this is one of my go to tips when I’m feeling super anxious.

11. Read a book

Unfortunately I don’t have much time to read like I used to. I’ve always loved reading though so if I’m feeling out of it or anxious, picking up a book usually helps to calm my mind. Escaping to another world and leaving the stress of reality for even just a little while does wonders. I think this is the main reason I dream of being an author. Of creating a book that helps others escape from their life for just a little bit. Some authors that inspire me include J.K Rowling, Dean Koontz, and Stephen King.


So there you have it, the 11 things that I do to help when I’m feeling depressed or anxious. Of course, this list will probably grow and change as time goes on but for right now, these 11 things usually help me. Let me ask you though, what do you normally do when you’re having a rough day? Answer down in the comments below and as always, thanks again for reading! 😀

Until next time my darlings,

Kaylee D. ❤