When did I grow up?

When did I grow up?

When did this happen?

When did I stop being that smiling little girl?

When did pain and hurt invade my veins and turn me into this?

This emotional wreck who never seems to do anything right?

This girl who strives for perfection but constantly fucks up?

I’m 22 but I feel so much older

Did I throw away my youth?

I never partied, never got wasted or even high out with my friends

I never hooked up with random guys or flirted with someone just to get what I want

I never experienced real college, the dorming life. Staying up till 1 in the morning talking with your roommate who just happens to be your new best friend.

Did I rush my timeline?

Will I regret this in the future?

Desperately longing for the family I never had, wanting to be a wife and mom as soon as I could to the point, I skipped being young.

Sitting here, three months till my wedding, feeling excited and nervous at the same time

Wondering if we really will last or if I’m just doomed to follow in my parents mistakes?

Have I found my happily ever after or have I thrown away my youth for something that will one day fall apart, leaving me on the floor more broken than I was at the start.

And speaking of my future, what do I want to be?

I know in my heart but reality, anxiety, depression and sadness have all but stomped out that creative spark within my soul.

Writing, my only escape, lately seems so hard to come by

Like the once fluid connection from my mind to my hand has severed itself and no matter how hard I try, the ideas just won’t flow to the page

Am I destined to always be a failure?

Will my kids hate me, will they long for a mother who is normal?

Will my husband stay by my side, or will he one day wander into the arms of another, a woman he actually deserves.

Why do I keep trying?

Sometimes this thought comes into my mind and just when i’ve pushed it back, something happens which brings it to the front once again.

Music lately is my mistake, Hamilton lately is my escape

Listening to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s beautiful written words and angel voice lets me escape from my dreary reality for a little while.

Listening to Hamilton’s story, longing to have his same determination, to have his drive.

Am I throwing away MY shot?

Have I thrown away MY shot?

Constantly waiting for something new, constantly waiting for my big break

I know i’m more than this, I know i’m worth so much more than this

I’m meant to be someone, god dammit, i’m meant to make a difference.

But yet, I sit here, wallowing in my sorrow. Playing the victim, the “oh woah is me card”

I’m ashamed of the person I am, I’m ashamed of the person I’ve always been

How different would my life be if I took chances and did things that fear kept me from?

Would it be better? Would it be worse?

I think of the moments I was on stage

In theatre, getting to be someone else for a couple of hours for all to see

How confident I was in not being me

How fun it was to be performing

And then the sadness hits realizing, I may never step foot on a stage again

Oh when did I grow up?

When did I lose the girl I am?

Oh can’t someone please teach me how to be young

And in doing so, awaken the song within my heart dying to just be sung.

Drowning

Drowning

 

I feel like everyday I’m slipping farther and farther away and no matter how hard I try to stay happy and confident, the water always pulls me back down.

I’m drowning, gasping for air but no one can help me.

People try to, my fiance, my mom, my grandma, my therapist, my friends, yet it’s no use.

I continue to drown and lash out.

That happy future I once planned feels like a distant memory now, distorted by the dark murky water.

How can I ever be happy?

Looking from the outside, you’d never know.

My facade has only improved with time.

I appear happy, confident with myself.

Perfect fiance, perfect family, perfect home, perfect life.

However, if you look into my eyes, you’d see the truth.

You’d see a depressed girl, longing to belong, longing to be loved and nurtured.

A girl who knows how lucky she is but whose depression and anger overpowers all the good in her life.

Someone who lashes out at the ones she loves most and then hates herself for it afterwards. I’m drowning and I’m scared that one day, I won’t be strong enough to make it back up for air. That i’ll try but my strength will give out and I’ll sink to the bottom of the sea.

The voice inside my head gets stronger everyday, constantly pushing me back down whenever I emerge from the water.

Like an icy cold bony hand, the words grip my wrist and drag me back down.

You’re worthless, you’re ugly, you’re stupid, you’re fat, you mess up everything,

you don’t deserve love, you don’t deserve happiness, you deserve to be alone,

you deserve to feel pain, you’re nothing but a heartless bitch, you deserve to be hurt,

everyone would be better off without you, you will never belong, you don’t even deserve to live, you will never be a good wife, you will be a horrible mother, just kill yourself already, just end it.

Everyday the voice shouts these words, louder and louder and I become weaker and weaker. I’m drowning and I don’t know how much longer I can continue to breath when water keeps engulfing my lungs.

I long for someone to help me, to save me from the voice and the icy cold sea but deep down I know only I can save myself from its clutches.

There are times though that I question if I can. If I can truly break free from my mind.

Somedays, I feel like giving up.

I feel like letting my mind drag me down until I sink so far that there is no chance of reaching the surface again.

I know I can not do this though.

No, I can’t let the voice win.

I need to fight until my very last breath.

I’m drowning, but I refuse to sink.

Roller Coaster

Roller coaster

 

Like a roller coaster out of control is how she felt

The highs were amazing but she knew the lows soon would be dealt

When she was up, she swears she can fly

But soon she’d crash back down and just start to cry

It was a vicious cycle she suffered through again and again

A cycle she knew would never end

No matter how much she wished the high would stay

She knew the sadness would soon take it all away

At any moment the smile on her face could fade

Leaving her alone, confused, and afraid

No one seemed to understand how her moods could switch so fast

Even she didn’t get why the happiness just couldn’t last

When she was high, she felt the most like herself

But when she was low, she desperately cried out for help

For the lows were the worst and would break her down

Leaving her curled up crying on the ground

Leaving her feeling like her life had no meaning

Leaving her just sitting there screaming

Screaming for the pain to just go away

Begging the voices in her head to stop saying the cruel things they say

The longing to harm, the longing to die

These were the thoughts that made her cry

For she never knew when the high she loved would return

All she knew was how everyone was now concerned

Concerned because the girl they loved wasn’t herself

Confused that she was fine yesterday but now yelling for help

How could someone who had all the energy in the world the day before

Today be this depressed zombie lying on the floor

For you see, when she was high she was the happiest she could be

Loving life and smiling for all to see

Dancing, singing, jumping around

Not a drop of sadness in her could be found

When she was high, she was daring and more confident than ever before

And she was excited for what each new day had in store

Sadly though, she knew this feeling wouldn’t last

She knew this happiness and increased energy would soon be in the past

Soon the highs began to be something she feared as well

For she knew after heaven, she’d be plunged back into hell

She found herself not being able to enjoy the highs like she always had

Because she feared that her life would soon be nothing but bad

A constant torture, a constant battle that never ends

A constant longing to be like her friends

To just be normal and able to live her life

To not have to deal with the constant strife

Oh won’t someone please make this roller coaster stop

And just leave her to be happy left at the top

 

Feeling like you’re in a constant dream

Do you know what it is like to feel like you’re constantly in a dream?

To look in a mirror and have no connection with the face looking back at you?

Can you imagine the frustration one might feel when nothing around them even feels real?

I do.

I know the feeling because I suffer from that feeling all the time.

The feeling of being in a fog or trapped inside a fishbowl, shielded from the rest of the world. And no matter how hard you try to tell your brain you’re real and this is real, it doesn’t make a difference.

The people around you, strangers and loved ones alike all look just a little off now.

Your surroundings have a dream-like aura to them and you feel like you’re going crazy.

You just want to lock yourself in your room, away from the rest of the world until you start to feel normal again.

Lights seem much brighter than usual, causing your eyes and head to hurt.

Your hands don’t even resemble your hands anymore but instead hands of a stranger you once knew so well but now can’t recognize.

You look in the mirror but the tired face looking back at you doesn’t look like your own.

No, you don’t recognize those brown eyes filled with emotion.

It’s like looking at a photograph of someone you don’t know yet deep down you know that it’s you.

You start to fact check yourself within your mind.

Stating your name, your birth date, your fiance’s name, your future wedding date.

You begin to panic because even though you’ve answered those questions just fine now, you’re scared one day you won’t remember.

You don’t feel like a person anymore but instead a robot, going through the motions.

Your voice even sounds weird and the words your mouth produce feel programmed and unrecognizable.

Living like this isn’t living, it’s just existing.

You wonder if you’ll ever feel normal again and as the days turn into weeks, and the weeks into months, you start to fear that this time this feeling won’t leave and you’ll be trapped as a living zombie for the rest of your life.

You want to smile and be happy but you can’t shake the feeling.

You cry and scream out but how can anyone understand?

If you even told anyone they would think you were crazy!

How can one not feel real? How can one not feel a connection to their self?

Yet, that is how I feel.

Looking in from the outside on my life.

Feeling trapped within my mind and not recognizing me

All while constantly wondering, will I ever break free?

I’m tired

I’m Tired

 

If you looked at me and asked how I was

I’d tell you the truth

I’d tell you i’m tired, though it’s no use

Because to you tired means sleepy

And though that is true

My tired has a ton of more meanings too

I’m tired of never being good enough no matter how hard I try

I’m tired of condescending people, secrets and lies

I’m tired of no one taking me seriously

Doctors, teachers and family only going by what they see

But they don’t know how I feel everyday

They don’t see the pain and suffering, though they think they may

I’m tired of my achy body and bones

I’m tired of being so sick and in pain, i’m forced to stay home

And miss out on all the fun and memories I could have made

Because I was too sick to go, or just to afraid

I’m tired of my anxiety always getting in the way

Making it difficult just to survive each and every day

I’m tired of my depression constantly bringing me down

I miss my smile and I hate this frown

I’m tired of my eyes burning from all of these tears

And i’m tired of all my irrational fears

I’m tired of my emotions never staying in my control

I’m tired of feeling broken, I just want to be whole

I’m tired of hurting the people I love again and again

I’m tired of pushing away all of my friends

I’m tired of school, of work, of home

I’m tired of feeling like I have no place to my own

I’m tired of never feeling understood

I’m tired of constantly feeling bad, I just want to feel good

My soul is tired, my body is too

And no amount of sleep can fix this it’s true

I’m tired of being tired all the time

Won’t someone please show me how to climb

Climb this mountain and get to the other side

Where my soul won’t be tired anymore and I can finally feel alive

So yea I’m tired but don’t you see

Tired has so many more meanings to me