The Void Inside Me

There is a void inside me. It’s been there for as long as I can remember. Most days the effects of this void are minimum. It’s like a emptiness that I know is there but isn’t really affecting me to a point where I can’t just ignore it. On the rare occasions, it even feels like it doesn’t exist at all. But then there are the days where the void’s emptiness is so overwhelming that it feels like i’m being swallowed by it. Like quick sand, the harder I try to fight the feeling of dread and nothingness as it begins to wash over me, the quicker it grows until I’m left sitting there, feeling numb and lost. Having this strong sense that I am longing for something but having no idea what that something could be. For years, I have tried to find that something that would fill this void but every time I believe I have found the missing piece to my soul, slowly the void returns, leaving an empty hole once again.

When I was younger, I remember I thought the answer to filling this emptiness was trivial things.

“If I could just own that purse, I will be happy”

“If he would just date me, I would feel so complete”

“If I could only own this type of pet, I would be filled with joy”

Of course, none of these things were the answer I was looking for. None of these things fulfilled me in the way I desperately wanted to be fulfilled.

I would also think maybe changing who I was was the right way to go. I would constantly change my appearance, my style, even my outlook on life, believing if I just kept changing things, something would stick and fill the void but that never was the case.

“If only I had long blonde hair, then everyone would love me”

“If only I was skinnier and wore tighter clothing, then the boys would notice me”

“If I get contacts, then i’ll feel beautiful”

But no matter what I did, in the end, I still felt empty. I still struggled to connect with the face looking back at me in the mirror. Knowing physically this girl was me but not feeling any emotional connection to her.

As I got older, I believed the answer I was looking for would be found in major life events. I was convinced that the huge changes that come into your life as you become an adult would surely be my solution. And on the day I married my soulmate, my best friend, it really felt like I had discovered the missing piece. Somehow, despite all I had been through and how broken I felt, I found someone who loved me for the perfectly imperfect person I was. Who knew my flaws better then anyone and still wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Who looked forward to starting a family with me. Everything I had dreamed of as a child was now in my grasp. How could there still be a void after all of that? And for a while, it looked like I was correct. Like the void in me had been filled by love.

But as time went on, I noticed that void slowly begin to open once again. I watched as my health began to slip away and with each new symptom and diagnosis, the hole grew. I desperately tried to hold it all together still. I focused on filling my life with the things I loved and cherished. On building my family and the life I had always dreamed of having. Even after knowing I could no longer work due to my illnesses, I stayed strong. We rescued a tiny puppy and then, not even a full year later, I brought home my service dog prospect. Something I never thought I would need but once I knew I did, never thought would materialize. Yet, it had.

I thought it would work, but it didn’t. That void was still there, some days feeling stronger then it had in years. A sense of nothingness, of numbness. With my health failing me and being unable to provide for my family because of it, I thought if only I could get approved for disability. If that could happen, then I would not feel so much like a failure and that void wouldn’t feel so deep. I had always said I would be content being a house wife so getting disability would allow that to happen. How could that not make this void disappear?

But the day I got that phone call saying I was approved for disability, a wave of mixed emotions washed over me, both positive and negative. Something I thought was my answer seemed to make the void deeper somehow. Causing me to sit here more lost then I ever was before. Causing me to wonder, what in my life will fill this void?

Will having our own house and living on our own fill it?

What about getting pregnant and bringing my child into this world? Something I have dreamed about for as long as I can remember. Something that once felt so certain but now I fear everyday may never happen because of my health.

Will becoming a mental/chronic illness influencer and blogger do the job?

How about an author? Publishing my poetry and novels for all to see.

Or am I destined to always be longing for this something? To always feel like there is a piece missing from my life. To feel numb, empty, longing for true happiness.

And then my mind begins to fear that I gave up something that was the answer, either by choice or due to my health.

Would have completing a 4 year degree and becoming a teacher been my answer?

What about becoming a school psychologist and a theater director? Would that had helped?

What if I followed my dream of being an actress?

Would that kind of stardom been the missing puzzle piece to this jigsaw I call my life?

I guess i’ll never know for sure. But man is it hard not to wonder.

On days where the void is so strong, it’s like it’s hard to even take a breath. Because with each breath, this sense of emptiness is overwhelming.

And the last thought that crosses my mind is where did this void even come from?

What burned a hole so big into the soul of such a happy little girl? Because that is what I was as a kid, always smiling, happy as can be and just living her life to the fullest. So what happened?

Was it my dad and mom divorcing when I was just 5 years old? My dad telling me he was leaving after giving me such an amazing day.

Was it hardly seeing him after that, even though at the time, he only lived 10 minutes from me?

What about my mother? Someone who was physically there for me and tried to give me the best life she could but often acted more like a best friend then the mother a child needs. Could that have done it?

Or did it happen after my grandpa passed away, right before I would turn 13? Surely losing a father figure in your life, someone you saw every day, at a time where you desperately need guidance could create such a hole.

What about the bullying I went through? Elementary, middle, and of course, high school. Always the same old thing, never feeling good enough, always being put down or made fun of for my appearance or personality. Taunts of “Teachers pet” still ringing in my ears. Having friends you would do anything for putting you down time and time again. Getting betrayed and hurt over and over.

And then there are my relationships. Could they have contributed to the crater that wrecks havoc in my life?

My first love being an on and off again roller coaster ride. Always jumping between me and another girl, always feeling like a second choice but so in love that I was content with not being first.

And then my second love leaving me with so much mental and emotional damage. Accepting the fact that the love you had for him blinded you to the mental and verbal abuse you put up with time and time again. Giving him everything, every part of me and receiving nothing but hurt in return. The words he’d say still piercing my heart, like a snake’s fangs. Words that I believed were true. Words that I sometimes still believe are true. Something so simple triggering me, reminding me of how worthless he made me feel. But remembering I would have done anything for him because my love was that strong.

Could that have been what caused the ground to break?

And then there is my health. Being plagued with not one but two autoimmune disorders as a young adult. Unable to do simple tasks such as brushing my hair anymore without pain. Is that what caused this deep void within me?

Maybe. But more than likely, it is a combination of all of the above plus more that I experienced that has created this hole in my soul.

Maybe the answer isn’t finding something to fill the hole, but rather, letting go of all these traumas I have gone through in my 24 years of life.

Maybe if I can face these demons that I have locked behind a door and let them go, I would feel free.

Maybe by accepting what has happened to me, understanding they have made me the person I am today and also realizing I am not in those situations anymore, that I am safe now, will cause the void to begin to close.

Maybe I can start feeling what true happiness is without having this crushing weight of my past on my shoulders. A weight that feels as heavy as cinder blocks constantly dragging me down.

I don’t know if letting go is the answer I have been searching for. I don’t know what that answer is but I do know, that is the next step I am choosing to take.

It’s time to stop holding on to my past.

It’s time to stop obsessing over how I thought my future would be.

It’s time to forgive my younger self for the mistakes she made and remember, I am not that same girl today.

It’s time to forgive the ones in my life who have hurt me.

It’s time to move on.

It’s time to let go.

What We Are Told

All lives matter, this is true

Except if mental and chronic illness plagues you

Except if you’re a woman, trying to find your way in this world

Except if you’re a boy who loves a boy, or a girl who loves a girl

Except if your skin is not the color of white

Except if you’re homeless and have to sleep outside at night

Except if you’re Trans, Queer, or Bi

Except if bullying causes you to commit suicide 

Except if you’re an animal, except if you’re a plant

Except if you’re an insect, like a tiny ant

Except if you’re in a pandemic, and the chance of the illness hurting you is small

Those lives don’t matter, the virus is only killing the old and already sick after all

Except if you’re an immigrant just looking for a new life

Except if you’re deaf or have no sight 

Except if you’re someone who has been assaulted, raped or abused

Except if you’re an addict to drugs or booze 

Except if you’re disabled, poor or old

But all lives matter is what we are still told

Change starts with you

America is called the land of the free

That’s funny because that’s not what I see

I’m scared for this world in which we live

Sitting here just wondering when will it all give

We live in a world consumed by hate

Don’t people realize it’s wrong to discriminate?

Why does the color of his skin determine his life?

Why must she constantly live with fright?

Afraid every day that she is going to die

Scared that his life will end in a homicide

For in this country if you’re not white

It seems every day you have to fight

Fight for just basic human rights 

Won’t someone tell me how that is right!

Our black brothers and sisters have to live in fear

Each day they are crying more and more tears

For people who swore to protect mankind

Are killing people of color time after time

And each time it happens, we demand change

But somehow things just remain the same

And more innocent lives are taken from this world

Black men, women, boys, and girls

Killed in tragic, unjustful ways

Killed for just going about their day

Murdered for no other reason then the color of their skin

Leaving behind their grieving kin

Wives losing their husbands, mothers losing their sons

People losing their loved ones at the hand of guns

Corrupted cops being too rough and using their knees

Listening to the cries and desperate pleas

Not even stopping when he says “I can’t breathe”

How many more innocent lives must we lose?

How many more times are we going to let them get abused?

Now is the time to stand up and fight

Fight for them, fight for what is right

I may not be black, but this much is true

I see, hear, and grieve for you

And I will fight right by your side

Fight for all black lives

Because we are all creations of God 

Everyone of us beautiful and worthy of love

Sent to this earth from our Father above

No one’s skin color should decide

Whether that person lives or dies

Change must happen, this is true, and that change starts with you

A part of me

Why can’t I just be normal, oh why can’t I just be sane

I’m sick of these thoughts, these worries constantly in my brain

All they do is make life harder for everyone, especially myself

And no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to get help

The anxiety is so strong it takes over my life

The depression so overwhelming I want to grab a knife

I want to stop the constant pain I feel inside

I want to curl up into a ball and find some place to hide

A place no one will ever find me

A place where I can’t hurt the ones I love you see

Oh why can’t these feelings just disappear

I’m sick of the worrying,the sadness and fear

I just want to be happy, is that so hard to ask

I never imagined being joyful would be such a hard task

For it seems everyday tears fall from my eyes

And on some days, I just want to die

Believing only in death will I finally be free

And that everyone would be much better off without me

I know these thoughts are awful and untrue

But some days the pain is too strong, i’m just too blue

Too blinded by the pain to see the beauty in my life

Too stuck in the darkness to see even a glimmer of light

Oh how I long to be normal, how I long to be free

But deep down I know, a normal life will never be for me

I’ll never be free from the demons within my mind

Even if they leave I know they will return time after time

Because I know in my heart, though it’s heartbreaking to see

Anxiety and Depression will always be a part of me

Monster

I’m crying and falling a part

While you just sit there and stare at me

When did I become the enemy?

When did I become the person you don’t want to see?

What happened to loving me? Protecting me? Saving me?

Am I too broken for your sympathy?

What happened to your empathy?

I thought you were the one sent to me

To rescue me from this tragedy

Instead it seems like you’re the one burying me

Leaving me a victim to the voices in my head

The voices that tell me i’m better off dead

The ones that say everyone would be happier if I was gone

I’m starting to believe their song

For the way you look at me now, it seems they were right all along

So why am I still trying to survive?

Why am I still trying to thrive in a world that wishes me to die?

When I know deep inside, I will never be anything you need

Just another useless mouth to feed

Just another bitch you don’t want to see

Everyday I’m losing more and more of me

More and more of the person I used to be

As the pain takes over and drowns me

And leaves me in a puddle of my own tears, my own blood

Left on the side of the road in a ditch covered in mud

Begging for the sweet escape of death

Giving up on the thought of anyone rescuing me

From the monster that keeps consuming me

From the anger that keeps rising endlessly

Inside of me, causing me to want to hurt anyone I see

Screaming out in agony

At these sudden violent tendencies, stay away from me

I will hurt you, can’t you see, there is no controlling me

Don’t fucking walk away from me

No one can save me from the monster, no matter how hard they may try

No one can save me from this thing that wants me to die

From the being that strangles and tortures me day and night

The anger continues to build up inside

Making it harder and harder to breathe, harder and harder to survive

I don’t want to be alive

As the anger rises it becomes clearer and clearer for me to see

The monster to blame is

Me

Sea of Darkness

Extreme pain shoots through my upper back.

My fingers are swollen and sore and my legs feel to weak to walk.

I try to sit at work but the pain is getting to be too much for me to handle, too much for me to hide.

I need to walk away for a moment, I need to go somewhere I can be alone.

I rush to the bathroom.

Once there, I start to cry. I don’t want to cry but the pain is too intense.

Even more, the thought of dealing with this for the rest of my life scares me more than words can say.

Knowing this will always be the case, knowing this will always be my life.

How do I ever expect to live a normal life when these diseases keep taking over my body. Inhabiting every joint, every muscle.

Normal tasks like brushing my hair are even too much to handle. I struggle to open my water bottle because my fingers refuse to work.

With each letter I type, I feel my fingers burn, causing tears to hit my eyes because writing is my life. How can something that brings me so much joy cause pain to my body?

I’m so tired, so exhausted all the time. I don’t have energy to do the things I once loved to do. Some days, it’s a struggle to even get out of my bed. My body feels like a rock and the more I try to pull myself up to get ready, the heavier my body seems to become.

People ask why i’m so tired all the time, they ask me why I struggle to keep my eyes open.

Concerned that i’m not getting the proper amount of sleep but don’t they understand it doesn’t matter how much sleep I get, I will always be tired. Because my exhaustion is not from being sleepy, no, instead my exhaustion is from the constant struggle to just survive in a body that constantly wants to quit.

This pain, though, also keeps me up at night causing constant insomnia, that only increases the exhaustion I feel.

I long for those days from my childhood. The days before Arthritis and Fibromyalgia invaded my body. I long to be that girl again whose body never kept her down. Who could run and play for hours without having to worry about not being able to get out of bed the next day. Who could keep up with everyone else instead of fall behind due to the pain in her knees being so bad she can’t possibly keep up their pace.

When I have a flare, thoughts of being wheelchair bound by the time i’m 40 start to stir in my head.

Thoughts of not being able to hold and play with my children haunt my life.

How can I tell my child “Mommy can’t hold you today because she is in pain” when they’re reaching out to me?

This thought constantly makes me just want to cry because it’s the realization that I will always be suffering.

I’m sick of disappointing the ones around me. Of having to cancel plans or change plans because my body just can’t do what everyone wanted to that day.

I’m sick of coming in late to work or calling out completely because I physically can’t move that day.  

Sick of having people say to me, “Well, you don’t look like your sick or in pain” when in reality it feels like i’m dying and my entire body is being constantly tortured by itself.

The fear of things never getting better, the fear that it will only get worse from here is constantly on my mind. Even on the days I feel good, that fear pricks my mind, reminding me that this feeling won’t last.

I’m usually good at hiding this fear. I’m usually good at pushing through the pain and doing my very best but days like today, day’s where the weather is bad and i’m having a full-on flare up, I can’t help but break my usual facade.

I’m scared, i’m hurting and i’m just so tired of fighting.

And though I know I need to just remain strong, some days, it’s so hard to see the light when i’m surrounded by a sea of darkness.

On the Outside

On the outside. That’s how she felt. Disconnected from the world and the people around her.

Longing to be herself but always being someone else because the person she was would always just annoy people.

Often drinking because when she was drunk, she was free to be the person she really was and people wouldn’t mind because they’d believe it was just the alcohol that caused her to act so free and crazy.

She was the girl who always had big dreams but her dreams never matched with the ones surrounding her.

Wanting to Vlog every chance she could but too scared of what her friends would say.

Wanting to get into modeling and cosplay but convinced her friends would just make fun of her and make her doubt any chance of becoming someone. Just like they always had.

All of this caused the girl to feel alone.

This feeling of loneliness and being out-of-place was nothing new to her though.

For she had felt that way many times throughout her 22 years of life.

Always acting older than she really was, always dreaming of bigger things.

Always the mom of the group, the responsible one.

The one who rather stay at home cuddling with her fiance while watching a movie than out at the club partying into all hours of the night.

A girl who had an imagination like no other but whose imagination kept becoming less and less as reality took over.

Who once could look at a blank piece of paper and write for hours about a new land but now stares at a half-written novel with not a clue of where to go.

She dreams of becoming someone, of becoming famous.

And not because of the normal reasons someone wants to become famous but because by being famous people would hear her story.

They would hear her constant struggle with anxiety and depression.

How she suffers everyday in a body that just wants to quit because Arthritis has invaded every joint and Fibromyalgia has taken over every muscle.

How she has always felt on the outside but no matter what kept going.

She wants to be famous to help the ones out there who suffer too.

Who wake up in the morning and wish they never had.

To show them they can conquer any of their demons and that life is worth all this pain.

To show them, they are not alone.

She dreams of the day her story will help others.

But often that dream becomes dark when she thinks of how she will never be good enough. When she stares at that piece of paper and that sense of magic doesn’t spark her fingers to start to type causing her to wonder if she even has the talent to cause people to want to hear her.

She’s just a girl trying to fit into a world she will never belong in.

Because the world today wasn’t built for people like her.

Wasn’t made for the ones with creativity in their heart, the ones who believe in magic and love. The world today crushes the people who are like her, crushes people who are different.

But people who are different are people who are special.

They are the ones who can change the world, they are the ones that bring that sense of magic into others lives.

Who can turn the dark and grey into a rainbow and a frown into a smile.

Sadly, too often society wins and these people who could have done so much, are consumed by the dark reality and that spark of magic in them goes out, never to be lit again.

She is caught between the special person she is and the person society wishes for her to become.

Stuck between the two, fighting to keep the magic in her alive.

But magic doesn’t pay the bills, magic doesn’t get you a house, magic can’t feed a family.

How can magic survive in a world that is designed to kill creativity.

How can she continue to believe in mythicality and childhood dreams when her life calls for her to grow up and forget those silly fantasies.

When people constantly tell her that she can’t be herself in public because by being herself and following her dreams, shes destined to fail at life.

When they tell her to give up those silly fantasies of becoming a writer, of becoming a known Youtuber and model and start focusing on the real world because you’re a grown up now.

So she continues to be stuck in between, still on the outside, yearning for the day she realizes that being on the outside is better than being consumed on the inside. The day where she is confident enough to ignore the ones around her who only believe she will fail and follow her dreams with everything she has.

The day she realizes how lucky she is to be different in such a cookie-cutter world because that will be the day she will unlock the special power within her and ignite a flame that no one will ever be able to stomp out.

I Don’t want to go

I don’t want to go

 

I don’t want to go to concerts

I don’t want to fly

I don’t want to go black friday shopping

Please, don’t make me explain why

I don’t want to go out to the club

Or even drive a car

I don’t want to go on amusement park rides

Or travel very far

Don’t ask me to go to a broadway show

New york City is a place I just don’t want to go

And though I love movies, I’ll wait so I can watch them at home

For I don’t want to go where movies are first shown

Lately, it seems, i’m afraid of everything

I don’t want to do anything anymore

I wish I could just stay in my house

Just me and the ones I love safe behind a locked door

If someone gets sick or injured, I immediately think they are going to die

I start to panic, get angry, rock back and forth and cry

I don’t like that my mind does this, always thinking of the worst

I just wish I could be normal, not always think of what could go wrong

I’ve lived this way for far too long

I’m sick of living life constantly in fear

I’m sick of the anxiety attacks, i’m sick of the tears

I wish there was a way to finally be free

Be rid of the fear, to be a new me

Because what I am doing is not living no,

It’s just existing in a world, and not knowing where to go

When did I grow up?

When did I grow up?

When did this happen?

When did I stop being that smiling little girl?

When did pain and hurt invade my veins and turn me into this?

This emotional wreck who never seems to do anything right?

This girl who strives for perfection but constantly fucks up?

I’m 22 but I feel so much older

Did I throw away my youth?

I never partied, never got wasted or even high out with my friends

I never hooked up with random guys or flirted with someone just to get what I want

I never experienced real college, the dorming life. Staying up till 1 in the morning talking with your roommate who just happens to be your new best friend.

Did I rush my timeline?

Will I regret this in the future?

Desperately longing for the family I never had, wanting to be a wife and mom as soon as I could to the point, I skipped being young.

Sitting here, three months till my wedding, feeling excited and nervous at the same time

Wondering if we really will last or if I’m just doomed to follow in my parents mistakes?

Have I found my happily ever after or have I thrown away my youth for something that will one day fall apart, leaving me on the floor more broken than I was at the start.

And speaking of my future, what do I want to be?

I know in my heart but reality, anxiety, depression and sadness have all but stomped out that creative spark within my soul.

Writing, my only escape, lately seems so hard to come by

Like the once fluid connection from my mind to my hand has severed itself and no matter how hard I try, the ideas just won’t flow to the page

Am I destined to always be a failure?

Will my kids hate me, will they long for a mother who is normal?

Will my husband stay by my side, or will he one day wander into the arms of another, a woman he actually deserves.

Why do I keep trying?

Sometimes this thought comes into my mind and just when i’ve pushed it back, something happens which brings it to the front once again.

Music lately is my mistake, Hamilton lately is my escape

Listening to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s beautiful written words and angel voice lets me escape from my dreary reality for a little while.

Listening to Hamilton’s story, longing to have his same determination, to have his drive.

Am I throwing away MY shot?

Have I thrown away MY shot?

Constantly waiting for something new, constantly waiting for my big break

I know i’m more than this, I know i’m worth so much more than this

I’m meant to be someone, god dammit, i’m meant to make a difference.

But yet, I sit here, wallowing in my sorrow. Playing the victim, the “oh woah is me card”

I’m ashamed of the person I am, I’m ashamed of the person I’ve always been

How different would my life be if I took chances and did things that fear kept me from?

Would it be better? Would it be worse?

I think of the moments I was on stage

In theatre, getting to be someone else for a couple of hours for all to see

How confident I was in not being me

How fun it was to be performing

And then the sadness hits realizing, I may never step foot on a stage again

Oh when did I grow up?

When did I lose the girl I am?

Oh can’t someone please teach me how to be young

And in doing so, awaken the song within my heart dying to just be sung.

Drowning

Drowning

 

I feel like everyday I’m slipping farther and farther away and no matter how hard I try to stay happy and confident, the water always pulls me back down.

I’m drowning, gasping for air but no one can help me.

People try to, my fiance, my mom, my grandma, my therapist, my friends, yet it’s no use.

I continue to drown and lash out.

That happy future I once planned feels like a distant memory now, distorted by the dark murky water.

How can I ever be happy?

Looking from the outside, you’d never know.

My facade has only improved with time.

I appear happy, confident with myself.

Perfect fiance, perfect family, perfect home, perfect life.

However, if you look into my eyes, you’d see the truth.

You’d see a depressed girl, longing to belong, longing to be loved and nurtured.

A girl who knows how lucky she is but whose depression and anger overpowers all the good in her life.

Someone who lashes out at the ones she loves most and then hates herself for it afterwards. I’m drowning and I’m scared that one day, I won’t be strong enough to make it back up for air. That i’ll try but my strength will give out and I’ll sink to the bottom of the sea.

The voice inside my head gets stronger everyday, constantly pushing me back down whenever I emerge from the water.

Like an icy cold bony hand, the words grip my wrist and drag me back down.

You’re worthless, you’re ugly, you’re stupid, you’re fat, you mess up everything,

you don’t deserve love, you don’t deserve happiness, you deserve to be alone,

you deserve to feel pain, you’re nothing but a heartless bitch, you deserve to be hurt,

everyone would be better off without you, you will never belong, you don’t even deserve to live, you will never be a good wife, you will be a horrible mother, just kill yourself already, just end it.

Everyday the voice shouts these words, louder and louder and I become weaker and weaker. I’m drowning and I don’t know how much longer I can continue to breath when water keeps engulfing my lungs.

I long for someone to help me, to save me from the voice and the icy cold sea but deep down I know only I can save myself from its clutches.

There are times though that I question if I can. If I can truly break free from my mind.

Somedays, I feel like giving up.

I feel like letting my mind drag me down until I sink so far that there is no chance of reaching the surface again.

I know I can not do this though.

No, I can’t let the voice win.

I need to fight until my very last breath.

I’m drowning, but I refuse to sink.