The Void Inside Me

There is a void inside me. It’s been there for as long as I can remember. Most days the effects of this void are minimum. It’s like a emptiness that I know is there but isn’t really affecting me to a point where I can’t just ignore it. On the rare occasions, it even feels like it doesn’t exist at all. But then there are the days where the void’s emptiness is so overwhelming that it feels like i’m being swallowed by it. Like quick sand, the harder I try to fight the feeling of dread and nothingness as it begins to wash over me, the quicker it grows until I’m left sitting there, feeling numb and lost. Having this strong sense that I am longing for something but having no idea what that something could be. For years, I have tried to find that something that would fill this void but every time I believe I have found the missing piece to my soul, slowly the void returns, leaving an empty hole once again.

When I was younger, I remember I thought the answer to filling this emptiness was trivial things.

“If I could just own that purse, I will be happy”

“If he would just date me, I would feel so complete”

“If I could only own this type of pet, I would be filled with joy”

Of course, none of these things were the answer I was looking for. None of these things fulfilled me in the way I desperately wanted to be fulfilled.

I would also think maybe changing who I was was the right way to go. I would constantly change my appearance, my style, even my outlook on life, believing if I just kept changing things, something would stick and fill the void but that never was the case.

“If only I had long blonde hair, then everyone would love me”

“If only I was skinnier and wore tighter clothing, then the boys would notice me”

“If I get contacts, then i’ll feel beautiful”

But no matter what I did, in the end, I still felt empty. I still struggled to connect with the face looking back at me in the mirror. Knowing physically this girl was me but not feeling any emotional connection to her.

As I got older, I believed the answer I was looking for would be found in major life events. I was convinced that the huge changes that come into your life as you become an adult would surely be my solution. And on the day I married my soulmate, my best friend, it really felt like I had discovered the missing piece. Somehow, despite all I had been through and how broken I felt, I found someone who loved me for the perfectly imperfect person I was. Who knew my flaws better then anyone and still wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Who looked forward to starting a family with me. Everything I had dreamed of as a child was now in my grasp. How could there still be a void after all of that? And for a while, it looked like I was correct. Like the void in me had been filled by love.

But as time went on, I noticed that void slowly begin to open once again. I watched as my health began to slip away and with each new symptom and diagnosis, the hole grew. I desperately tried to hold it all together still. I focused on filling my life with the things I loved and cherished. On building my family and the life I had always dreamed of having. Even after knowing I could no longer work due to my illnesses, I stayed strong. We rescued a tiny puppy and then, not even a full year later, I brought home my service dog prospect. Something I never thought I would need but once I knew I did, never thought would materialize. Yet, it had.

I thought it would work, but it didn’t. That void was still there, some days feeling stronger then it had in years. A sense of nothingness, of numbness. With my health failing me and being unable to provide for my family because of it, I thought if only I could get approved for disability. If that could happen, then I would not feel so much like a failure and that void wouldn’t feel so deep. I had always said I would be content being a house wife so getting disability would allow that to happen. How could that not make this void disappear?

But the day I got that phone call saying I was approved for disability, a wave of mixed emotions washed over me, both positive and negative. Something I thought was my answer seemed to make the void deeper somehow. Causing me to sit here more lost then I ever was before. Causing me to wonder, what in my life will fill this void?

Will having our own house and living on our own fill it?

What about getting pregnant and bringing my child into this world? Something I have dreamed about for as long as I can remember. Something that once felt so certain but now I fear everyday may never happen because of my health.

Will becoming a mental/chronic illness influencer and blogger do the job?

How about an author? Publishing my poetry and novels for all to see.

Or am I destined to always be longing for this something? To always feel like there is a piece missing from my life. To feel numb, empty, longing for true happiness.

And then my mind begins to fear that I gave up something that was the answer, either by choice or due to my health.

Would have completing a 4 year degree and becoming a teacher been my answer?

What about becoming a school psychologist and a theater director? Would that had helped?

What if I followed my dream of being an actress?

Would that kind of stardom been the missing puzzle piece to this jigsaw I call my life?

I guess i’ll never know for sure. But man is it hard not to wonder.

On days where the void is so strong, it’s like it’s hard to even take a breath. Because with each breath, this sense of emptiness is overwhelming.

And the last thought that crosses my mind is where did this void even come from?

What burned a hole so big into the soul of such a happy little girl? Because that is what I was as a kid, always smiling, happy as can be and just living her life to the fullest. So what happened?

Was it my dad and mom divorcing when I was just 5 years old? My dad telling me he was leaving after giving me such an amazing day.

Was it hardly seeing him after that, even though at the time, he only lived 10 minutes from me?

What about my mother? Someone who was physically there for me and tried to give me the best life she could but often acted more like a best friend then the mother a child needs. Could that have done it?

Or did it happen after my grandpa passed away, right before I would turn 13? Surely losing a father figure in your life, someone you saw every day, at a time where you desperately need guidance could create such a hole.

What about the bullying I went through? Elementary, middle, and of course, high school. Always the same old thing, never feeling good enough, always being put down or made fun of for my appearance or personality. Taunts of “Teachers pet” still ringing in my ears. Having friends you would do anything for putting you down time and time again. Getting betrayed and hurt over and over.

And then there are my relationships. Could they have contributed to the crater that wrecks havoc in my life?

My first love being an on and off again roller coaster ride. Always jumping between me and another girl, always feeling like a second choice but so in love that I was content with not being first.

And then my second love leaving me with so much mental and emotional damage. Accepting the fact that the love you had for him blinded you to the mental and verbal abuse you put up with time and time again. Giving him everything, every part of me and receiving nothing but hurt in return. The words he’d say still piercing my heart, like a snake’s fangs. Words that I believed were true. Words that I sometimes still believe are true. Something so simple triggering me, reminding me of how worthless he made me feel. But remembering I would have done anything for him because my love was that strong.

Could that have been what caused the ground to break?

And then there is my health. Being plagued with not one but two autoimmune disorders as a young adult. Unable to do simple tasks such as brushing my hair anymore without pain. Is that what caused this deep void within me?

Maybe. But more than likely, it is a combination of all of the above plus more that I experienced that has created this hole in my soul.

Maybe the answer isn’t finding something to fill the hole, but rather, letting go of all these traumas I have gone through in my 24 years of life.

Maybe if I can face these demons that I have locked behind a door and let them go, I would feel free.

Maybe by accepting what has happened to me, understanding they have made me the person I am today and also realizing I am not in those situations anymore, that I am safe now, will cause the void to begin to close.

Maybe I can start feeling what true happiness is without having this crushing weight of my past on my shoulders. A weight that feels as heavy as cinder blocks constantly dragging me down.

I don’t know if letting go is the answer I have been searching for. I don’t know what that answer is but I do know, that is the next step I am choosing to take.

It’s time to stop holding on to my past.

It’s time to stop obsessing over how I thought my future would be.

It’s time to forgive my younger self for the mistakes she made and remember, I am not that same girl today.

It’s time to forgive the ones in my life who have hurt me.

It’s time to move on.

It’s time to let go.

What We Are Told

All lives matter, this is true

Except if mental and chronic illness plagues you

Except if you’re a woman, trying to find your way in this world

Except if you’re a boy who loves a boy, or a girl who loves a girl

Except if your skin is not the color of white

Except if you’re homeless and have to sleep outside at night

Except if you’re Trans, Queer, or Bi

Except if bullying causes you to commit suicide 

Except if you’re an animal, except if you’re a plant

Except if you’re an insect, like a tiny ant

Except if you’re in a pandemic, and the chance of the illness hurting you is small

Those lives don’t matter, the virus is only killing the old and already sick after all

Except if you’re an immigrant just looking for a new life

Except if you’re deaf or have no sight 

Except if you’re someone who has been assaulted, raped or abused

Except if you’re an addict to drugs or booze 

Except if you’re disabled, poor or old

But all lives matter is what we are still told

Change starts with you

America is called the land of the free

That’s funny because that’s not what I see

I’m scared for this world in which we live

Sitting here just wondering when will it all give

We live in a world consumed by hate

Don’t people realize it’s wrong to discriminate?

Why does the color of his skin determine his life?

Why must she constantly live with fright?

Afraid every day that she is going to die

Scared that his life will end in a homicide

For in this country if you’re not white

It seems every day you have to fight

Fight for just basic human rights 

Won’t someone tell me how that is right!

Our black brothers and sisters have to live in fear

Each day they are crying more and more tears

For people who swore to protect mankind

Are killing people of color time after time

And each time it happens, we demand change

But somehow things just remain the same

And more innocent lives are taken from this world

Black men, women, boys, and girls

Killed in tragic, unjustful ways

Killed for just going about their day

Murdered for no other reason then the color of their skin

Leaving behind their grieving kin

Wives losing their husbands, mothers losing their sons

People losing their loved ones at the hand of guns

Corrupted cops being too rough and using their knees

Listening to the cries and desperate pleas

Not even stopping when he says “I can’t breathe”

How many more innocent lives must we lose?

How many more times are we going to let them get abused?

Now is the time to stand up and fight

Fight for them, fight for what is right

I may not be black, but this much is true

I see, hear, and grieve for you

And I will fight right by your side

Fight for all black lives

Because we are all creations of God 

Everyone of us beautiful and worthy of love

Sent to this earth from our Father above

No one’s skin color should decide

Whether that person lives or dies

Change must happen, this is true, and that change starts with you

My top moments of May 2020

Hello my beautiful darlings!

It is officially a new month! Can’t even believe it is already June! This year seems to be going by fast, despite all of the craziness that is going on. When you live with mental and chronic illness, it’s sometimes hard to focus on and realize all the good things that you have in your life. Often, your illnesses and the problems they cause can mask the happy moments, but it’s very important to remember that even though there is so much dark within our lives, there is also so much light. So today I want to try to start a series on this blog where at the end of the month/beginning of the next month, I share with you some of my happiest memories from that month because those are the memories that even on my worst days, I can focus on and smile. 🙂

Moment #1: Mothers Day

Mothers day this year was a day I was actually dreading. The week leading up to Mothers day, I was very stressed out and emotional. This was due to multiple reasons. The biggest one being, I always thought by this point in my life I would either have a child, be pregnant, or at least be in the planning stages. I never thought I would be sitting here realizing there is a high chance that I may never be able to biologically have kids. Realizing the state of my health and knowing I am nowhere near what I imagined I would be at 24, was really hard and weighed heavily on my heart that week. I was also feeling depressed over the fact that due to certain situations, our oldest dog Willie can no longer live with us at this time. It hurt knowing that I wouldn’t be able to be with all 4 of my fur children at one time but at least I would be able to see them all throughout the day. When Mothers day arrived, I still felt stressed but tried to just focus on making muffins for my mother in law. Before we headed over, my wonderful husband gave me a card that warmed my heart and really made me realize how blessed I am. He had made me a card on photoshop from all my pups with tons of pictures of them. He also wrote a poem from each one to me. I couldn’t help but cry. Mother’s day is my number one memory of the month because that was the day that I realized that even though my life isn’t where I thought it would be, one thing is true, I am still a mommy, my kids just have paws ❤

Moment #2: Getting my new desk

I know many of you probably don’t understand why this moment would be so important to me but it was more than just getting a desk. For many years now, I have had no space to call my own. If I wanted to do my makeup, I had to stand in front of my dresser which only caused my body pain. If I wanted to type, I would just transfer my surface to any available table or even my lap. Recording videos was always a headache because I would have to figure out a place to set up my chair. It was exhausting and not having your own space can really take a toll on you. When my husband set up my new desk in the corner of our bedroom, I almost started to cry. Finally, I had a space all to my own where I could create whatever I wanted to create. It was an amazing feeling and honestly has done wonders for my mental health.

Moment #3: Rescueing a baby Raccoon

Being a total animal lover, of course this had to make the list. I had gotten up to take Blue out like I do every morning when my grandma stopped me in the kitchen and let me know that she found a baby raccoon this morning in our yard. Besides for his one eye looking injured and not being able to open, he looked perfectly healthy and was very vocal. My grandma had him in a box with a towel on our back porch. I called my mom, since she has experience with rehabilitating animals, and she began to call other people she knew. She soon came down to give the baby some pedialyte and make sure he was warm. The little raccoon was so adorable and I even nicknamed him Rocket after Guardians of the Galaxy. We only had him for a few hours before my mom finally got in touch with a rehabilitator up near the Catskills who could take care of him. Turns out, he was really young and his eye was indeed infected but he is doing very well in the care of this guy. It felt good to be able to rescue this tiny helpless creature and get him to someone who was able to give him the care that he needed.

Moment #4: Taking Blue on his first real PA & socialization trip

One of the most crucial things that must be done when you have a puppy training for service work is socialization. Unfortunately, socializing during a pandemic is very difficult so we haven’t really been able to do so. However, this month I was finally able to take Blue out and do some real world socialization with him. My mom’s friend unfortunately, due to covid-19, had to close down her store. She was getting rid of and selling a lot so she invited us to come down to pick up anything we wanted. Since the shop was closed, the only people allowed to come were people she directly invited so everything was done in a very safe way. She told me I could bring Blue since the shop is right in town so I could sit outside with him and get him used to the sounds of traffic. Blue wound up doing an amazing job! Not only was he not scared of anything, not even the giant trucks that went by, but he consistently listened to me and his commands. Of course, he was excited meeting someone new but he quickly settled down and focused on me. I was even able to put a treat on his paw and have him leave it, something I didn’t think he would do in a new environment with distractions. Before this outing, I was getting pretty frustrated with him. As my trainer says, it’s completely normal at this age for them to test you. It’s like you take 500 steps forward and 5000 steps back. This can be mentally and physically exhausting though and at times, it’s very easy to start to doubt your ability to train and even your puppies ability to become a service dog. This trip though was exactly what I needed to be reminded that Blue and I are doing a great job and even though we still have a long road ahead of us, in my heart I feel like we are going to make it and he will become my service dog!

So there you have it, 4 of my top moments of the month. Of course, there were many other smaller moments that made up my month that bring a smile to my face. I encourage everyone out there who may be struggling with their health to try to keep track somehow of your highlights each month. There are different ways to do this, for me I keep track of them in my digital bullet journal. The important thing to remember is no memory or moment is too small. Anything that makes you smile should be documented because it’s those moments that you can look back on during a flare up or bad mental health day and be able to smile. It’s those moments that shed a glimmer of light into an otherwise dark world. And it is those moments that provide you the hope you need to keep going.

I challenge you to find something good in everyday. The more you do this, I promise, the more you will realize how much good is in your life. Also tell me down below in the comments about one of your highlights this month, I would love to hear them! As always, hold onto hope and remember that life, though difficult, can still be beautiful! ❤

Until next time,

Kaylee D. ❤

I can no longer stay silent on this issue…

I have sat at the computer over and over, typing and deleting, trying to find the right words. But even now, I’m realizing there are no right words for the state this country is in. And I am scared. I am scared because there is so much hate all around us. I am scared that someone can take someone else’s life and not feel an ounce of regret, knowing they killed one of God’s creations. I am scared that after all these years, these issues are still so prominent in the country that is supposed to be the land of the free.

Each time one of these senseless murders happen, I keep quiet. I keep quiet because I don’t let myself get involved in politics. But I can not stay quiet anymore. Because by staying quiet, you are only contributing to the problem. I am beyond heartbroken knowing, yet again, another innocent black life has been taken. Knowing this kind man had walked out his door to go shopping, something so many of us do every week, and never made it home because a man filled with hate decided to take his life. Living with anxiety, each time I leave my home I can’t help but worry I won’t make it back and the sad reality is that for people of color, they think this as well. But they think this because they see over and over again their race being murdered for no reason at all. They are raised to watch their every move, and to be cautious at all times, even around the people who are supposed to be protecting them. The people who took an oath to protect the human race but are all too often the same people who time and time again commit these unspeakable acts.

How can someone listen to another person cry and beg, telling them over and over that what they are doing is causing them to not be able to breath; saying they are going to die and still continue to do the action that ultimately will result in death? How can someone stand and watch another person as they slowly kill an innocent man and do nothing to prevent it from happening? How can someone who swore to protect people, live with himself knowing he took such a wonderful man from his family and friends for no reason? How can someone live with themselves knowing they signed up to protect people yet chose not to save this man while he was being murdered right in front of them?

I am truly sick to my stomach thinking of all the innocent black men, women and children who have lost their lives for no other reason than pure hate. George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, Treyvon Martin and countless others, taken from this world way too soon because of their skin color. Their memory will live on and their deaths must not be forgotten but rather fuel the fire for change. The way people of color, as well as all minorities, are treated in this country is a huge problem and something must be done to fix it. It is time for everyone to stand up and fight for what it is right. We all need to make our voices heard and be clear that this kind of disgusting, brutal behavior will not be tolerated any longer! We need to stand with our African american brothers and sisters who still in the year 2020 are being denied basic human rights. No one in this country should have to fear for their lives!

Being racist is never okay, something needs to change and justice needs to be served. It can not be ignored any longer for the longer it is ignored, the more innocent black lives are taken. I am angry, scared, and beyond all, heartbroken knowing this is the world we live in. I will not be quiet any longer and will do my part to show that these actions are not okay and will not be tolerable anymore. I encourage everyone else to do so as well! Use your voice, tweet using the hashtag #blacklivesmatter so it becomes trending, consistently share posts on Instagram and Facebook and anything else that gets the message out there! I fear for the lives of my African american friends and am saddened to know that this is how they must live. Knowing they must live in fear because hate is so strong in this country. I may not be black, but I see you, I hear you, I mourn for you, and I will stand with you. I hope everyone else out there will too because change will only happen if everyone stands together ❤

Until next time my darlings,

Kaylee D. ❤

Other ways to help make a change and end these senseless murders in America:

Please, sign this petition for justice for George Floyd and donate if you can! Every signature counts!

https://www.change.org/p/mayor-jacob-frey-justice-for-george-floyd

Also, donate to the memorial fund if you can to help George’s grieving family during this horrible time.

And lastly, go to this website to find out how to help end police brutality in our country.

https://www.joincampaignzero.org/#vision

I’m back and I finally created a Youtube Channel!!

Hello my beautiful darlings!! I know it’s been months since I last posted and I apologize deeply for that. A lot has happened in my life these past few months, some bad and some good, that I can not wait to update you all about! I have spent the last few months really trying to figure out my health and what I want for my future. Everything keeps reminding me that what I want most of all right now is to be able to share my story and help others out there who are struggling. That is why, I have renewed my blog and have finally created a Youtube channel!! This is something I have wanted to do for years but was always too scared to do so! However, I finally have created my channel so if you want to see me on a whole new platform, please check that out!

The other giant news I have to share with you all is that I have recently picked up my potential service dog! This is another thing I never thought would happen but finally has! Obviously, I will be writing all about him and our training adventures since I will be owner training him, under the guidance of a professional trainer. There is also a video up on my Youtube of us picking him up and his first 48 hours with us you can check out if you want!

I know my blog looks different right now, at this moment I am using the free plan but in the near future, I do plan on upgrading back to premium so I can get my old layout back.

I’m hoping to really be able to dive back into blogging and hopefully bring some joy and hope into people’s lives along the way!

Until next time,

Kaylee D. ❤

Just keep breathing

Today is one of those bad days. Those days where I can hardly move without pain shooting through every part of my body. I haven’t had a bad pain day like this in a long time so immediately felt discouraged when I opened my eyes and realized every bit of me hurt. I had a list of house work I had planned to complete today. I still had to put away the clothes from the laundry I did yesterday, I wanted to straighten up and organize the corner of our game/living room, and planned to make Tom and myself a nice chicken dinner. However, all my plans for the day were suddenly halted and I knew I would be stuck in bed instead all day. 

This is the reality of living with a chronic illness. You never know how you will feel day to day or even hour by hour. You can make an entire plan but if you wake up that day sick and in pain, your plans are completely changed and there really isn’t anything you can do about it. Sure, sometimes you can push through but not without consequences. If you push your body when you’re already having a bad pain day, it will only end with additional days stuck in bed or even worse, a trip to the hospital. When you live with chronic illness, you must always be aware of your health and how to take care of yourself. Self care must be number 1. But this is easier said than done. 

When I got up and realized I would get nothing done today, the familiar feeling of failure and depression crept up and I just wanted to cry. At 23 I don’t want to admit I can’t do normal everyday things all the time. I’m not okay with not being able to do stuff. But no matter how strong those feelings are, I force myself to remember that if all I do today is survive, then that’s enough. On days like today, all that matters is that I took care of myself and did the things necessary for my health and well being. This is something crucial all people suffering with not only chronic but also mental illness need to remember. Healthy people don’t understand what it takes just to keep breathing in a body that wants to destroy you. If they knew what it took, I guarantee they would start looking at us all differently because they would realize we are constantly fighting just to survive.

So the point of all of this is that I know it can be frustrating and demoralizing when chronic and/or mental illness prevents you from doing normal everyday things. I know for me it not only makes me feel like a failure of a wife but of just a human being in general. But what’s important is knowing that you are doing the best you can with the life you have been given and on days where just walking up the stairs makes you cry out in pain, all that you need to do is take care of yourself and keep breathing. And if that’s all you can do, well, that’s more than enough. Tomorrow is a new day, that list can wait, but your health can not. Just keep staying strong and never lose hope that things will one day get better

Until next time my darlings, 

Kaylee D. ❤ 

Health Update

My physical health has been up and down these last few weeks. I have my good days where I can get work done and enjoy life, but I also have my really bad days where I can’t get out of bed without feeling faint and dizzy. My mental health, on the other hand, has been consistently rough. My anxiety has gotten severe and even though I didn’t realize it at first, so has my depression. This is heavily due to the fact my future has been on my mind a lot lately, especially one certain aspect of my future; having kids. For as long as I can remember, I dreamed about becoming a mother. Tom and I had always discussed having children in our early twenties, shortly after getting married. But being diagnosed with Lupus has turned our entire plan upside down.

The reality is that having Lupus does increase my chances of miscarriage, birth complications and even infertility all together. Yes, I know there are many women out there with Lupus who have children and had problem-free pregnancies but there are also many who have not. Just knowing that we could have problems getting/staying pregnant and there is a chance we may never become pregnant at all is a thought that honestly breaks my heart. Before this diagnosis, we had a plan. Shortly after our 1 year anniversary, we would begin to actively try for a baby as long as we felt we were in a financially good space to do so. But now, that can’t happen. I need my health to be in check before we even consider trying. But we are also still on a timeline because the older I get and the longer I’m on my medication, the harder pregnancy will be for me and the risk factor goes higher. It is so hard to hear friends and family ask me, “so when will you guys have a baby?” knowing that I don’t know that answer anymore. It hurts having to explain why we need to wait and even explaining how it may never happen biologically for us. I always feared infertility issues, always scared that my biggest dream wouldn’t be able to come true for me. I wish I could get testing done now, to know before we start to try and have to experience heartbreak over and over again if it turns out that I can’t become pregnant or hold a pregnancy. But doctors won’t run those tests unless it’s necessary.

I thought by 24, I would be pregnant with my first child or already have a child. I never thought by 24 I would be diagnosed with Lupus, uncertain if I ever would be able to become a mom. I’m trying my hardest to turn this diagnosis into something positive, to use my experiences to help others. But some days, it’s just so hard to look on the bright side. I feel like I’m grieving, I’m grieving the life I had and the life I thought I would have. The life that was robbed from me by this illness I never asked for. I still have big dreams, dreams that I want so badly to come true but I always fear that my mental and physical health will keep me from ever achieving them. I feel constantly trapped, having to rely on everyone for everything because I can’t do things myself anymore. I can’t drive, I can’t work, hell, some days I can’t even make it up the stairs without help! When I go out, I constantly have to monitor how I’m feeling, often going through periods of lightheadedness and just an overall underlying panic of something going wrong. I won’t even go anywhere if Tom, my mother or my grandmother are not with me because at least I know they understand and they know what to do if god forbid, I get really sick out of nowhere. It sucks having to live like that.

People keep telling me that “it could be worse” and that “I’m going to be okay” and though I know they are right, some days I don’t want to hear it! Because the truth is, yea, it could be worse but this freaking sucks too! And I have every right to be angry and sad about having my independence ripped away! Than on the other hand, I have people compare my illness to others with the same and that hurts worse because everyone deals with illnesses differently and everyone experiences different symptoms. Just because one person is able to work and drive with Lupus, doesn’t mean that I can. I’m trying my hardest but I also can’t risk my life and my health getting worse. I’m at my breaking point as is and basically being told I’m not trying my hardest, that I’m being lazy and using my Lupus and anxiety as an excuse, it’s just beyond heart wrenching and makes me want to cry. Because I am trying my hardest, I’m pushing myself as much as I can.

I’m not happy with my life but I refuse to just give up. I guess I just need to continue taking everything one day at a time, hold onto faith, and no matter what, stay strong. That’s the only way I’ll get through this challenging time. Friends and family tell me how strong I am and how well I have handled this. But the truth is, what other choice did I have? I either let this break me or grow from it. And even on days like today, where I’m deep in my head and am feeling so discouraged, I know I won’t let this shatter me. 

Until next time,

Kaylee D. ❤

Why I haven’t been posting…

Hey everyone. I know it’s been forever since I last posted on here. A lot of personal challenges have come around since this year has begun that has made keeping up with this blog very difficult. The biggest of them being discovering that I actually don’t have Rheumatoid Arthritis, but instead have Lupus. Prior to this diagnosis, my pain had reached very high levels, to the point that even typing became too much for me to do, especially on a daily basis. In addition to the pain, I was having heavy light sensitivity and concentration issues that caused staring at a computer screen to result in very painful headaches. I also began to suffer from brain fog constantly, to the point, I couldn’t really organize my thoughts or what I wanted to say. These new symptoms pushed me to go to a new Rheumatologist and after running blood work, she informed me of this new diagnosis. I have now been on medication for a little over a month and though I have not felt too much relief, I have my good days and my bad days.

When this was all going on, I had very much considered cancelling my blog. I can no longer work and therefore all the financial responsibility must lay on my husbands shoulders. To me, this expense was something that I thought wasn’t necessary. However, my determination and love for blogging caused me to renew. Blogging to me is a safe place and a place where I feel understood, which is very important. I am also in the process of trying to get my Youtube channel created, however, with being sick and in pain a lot, that has shown to be more difficult than I first thought. I do not want to make this long, I just wanted to let you all know where I have been and why I haven’t posted since the beginning of this year before I begin to post again. My hope is now being on treatment, I will be able to get back to some sort of normal and be able to blog even more than I once did. I created this blog and will create my Youtube channel for the same reason. I want this to be something that can hopefully help and inspire others, especially if they are suffering from mental or chronic illnesses that causes them to lose sight of the beauty of life. For months now, I’ve been just existing and it’s time for me to start living again. I may have Lupus and extreme anxiety, but those things do not define who I am. They are only a part of me.

My end goal with this blog is that it becomes a lifestyle blog that will consist of posts that will not only hopefully make living easier for people who have illnesses in their way, but also inspire them to not let their illnesses bring them down and make their life any less beautiful than it should be. I hope to raise awareness on Chronic and mental illnesses, specifically Lupus and Anxiety, as well as take you all on this health journey with me as I learn to cope and manage this new scary disease at only 23 years old. I plan to continue to post poetry about the challenges and other things that go on in my life, and lastly, I hope this blog helps others like me to feel less alone. Living with these illnesses, I often feel very alone because my friends and my family don’t fully understand what I go through. But I’m not alone, and neither are you. I look forward to blogging with you all again very soon!

Until next time my darlings,

Kaylee D. ❤

A part of me

Why can’t I just be normal, oh why can’t I just be sane

I’m sick of these thoughts, these worries constantly in my brain

All they do is make life harder for everyone, especially myself

And no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to get help

The anxiety is so strong it takes over my life

The depression so overwhelming I want to grab a knife

I want to stop the constant pain I feel inside

I want to curl up into a ball and find some place to hide

A place no one will ever find me

A place where I can’t hurt the ones I love you see

Oh why can’t these feelings just disappear

I’m sick of the worrying,the sadness and fear

I just want to be happy, is that so hard to ask

I never imagined being joyful would be such a hard task

For it seems everyday tears fall from my eyes

And on some days, I just want to die

Believing only in death will I finally be free

And that everyone would be much better off without me

I know these thoughts are awful and untrue

But some days the pain is too strong, i’m just too blue

Too blinded by the pain to see the beauty in my life

Too stuck in the darkness to see even a glimmer of light

Oh how I long to be normal, how I long to be free

But deep down I know, a normal life will never be for me

I’ll never be free from the demons within my mind

Even if they leave I know they will return time after time

Because I know in my heart, though it’s heartbreaking to see

Anxiety and Depression will always be a part of me