Do you ever look at your life and wonder where things went wrong?
At what point did those dreams in your heart become nothing more than that, dreams.
When did that spark inside of you start to fade, that light you radiated begin to dim
I think back to those days, those days where I pictured my life so much different than it is now
The days I dreamed of being an actress, performing on a stage or screen for all to see
I still remember the adrenaline that would rush through me as the curtain rose
Hardly making out the faces in the darken theater but knowing they were all there to see magic unfold on stage
Magic that you were a part of
The joy that would rush through me hearing their applause, knowing for a brief moment, we transported them all from this mundane life into different stories time and time again
Being able to be someone totally different for a bit, escaping the pain I held inside
Wanting to inspire others, wanting to be someone that kids would look up to, the way I looked up to so many actresses when I was young
I think of the days I dreamed of being an author
Wanting to create stories for others to escape into the way I did time and time again
For reading to me was exactly that, a chance to run away from my world, if only for a bit, and transport myself into a world of magic and mythicality
I think back to the days where I did nothing but read. Where even the thought of putting the book down for a moment was too painful in my mind because that meant I would have to feel and deal with the problems of my world
I remember when I dreamed of being a teacher. Having been inspired by so many teachers of my own, I wanted to do the same
Helping out with every school production, truly bonding with the kids and realizing that they actually looked up to me…a feeling I can’t even describe
I thought I would be a teacher, I thought I would make a difference, I thought I would become someone…so what happened
Because I sit here today none of those things. I sit here today sick and in pain all the time, never knowing if tomorrow I will be able to get out of bed. Living everyday knowing at any time, my health can flare up and change everything I had planned
Having to rely on my walker just to go out places and medication just to function enough to survive
I have forgotten what it means to live.
That drive in me getting buried more and more as my body and mind show me that I will never be anything more than the sick girl
As it constantly tears away the dreams in my heart from my past and now
For once I think I have found something that brings me joy, that in an abstract way combines all my dreams and more somehow, they try to ruin it yet again
Streaming, crafting, vlogging, writing…things I love, things that I can actually do being crushed by pain through my body and torment in my mind
I feel trapped, like I’m chained to the pain and nothing I do will let me break free
The voice in my head constantly making me feel like i’m worthless, like i’m nothing
My mind and body reminding me time and time again that I will never be someone
I will never inspire others or make a difference
I’ll never leave behind a mark on this world when my life one day ends
Sometimes I fear I’ll never even achieve my first dream, becoming a mother
When did life become so hard? I’m so tired of fighting.
Most days I can appear strong. Most days I can smile and sometimes I even believe I’m happy
But then I realize, i’m just distracted from the pain and I fall again
I don’t know the answer, I don’t know how to rid myself from these chains
All I know is I can’t give up, I have to keep going, keep pushing forward, no matter how heavy that may be
For though dim, that spark in me is still there
That image of 16 year old me sitting on the bathroom floor crying hysterical, wanting to end it all but instead swearing to herself that she would prove everyone wrong, that she would be someone burned into my mind, still giving me the push I need to not stop
But still, days like today, it’s hard not to think, what happened?