Sliver of Hope

It feels like the darkness is engulfing me

I try to scream, but only a muffled cry is heard 

Pain floods my body

Demons torment my mind

I feel numb and empty

Overwhelmed by the world around me

“Everything is just too much” I say over and over

As I sit on my bed in tears

The anxiety in me is strong

Causing my heart to race and my body to shake

Lately I feel tense all the time

Always on edge, as if expecting something bad to happen at any moment

The anger inside of me growing more and more

Causing me to lash out at the ones I love for no reason of their own

I feel like a ticking time bomb, just waiting for the tiniest thing to happen so I can blow up

My patience so thin anything has the ability to cause my borderline rage to surface

My inner child just waiting for a chance to unleash her pain and anguish on anyone near her

And most days, i’m powerless to prevent or stop the damage I know she will cause

It feels like i’m suffocating on the air I breathe because with each breath I take my chest aches

Waking up in the morning with pure dread, wishing I could just close my eyes again and go back to sleep

But even sleep doesn’t bring rest

No, sleep brings nightmares over and over

Realistic ones that make it hard to distinguish if this is real life or just a dream

Often causing me to wake up suddenly, yelling out for help

Never allowing me to wake up rested the next day

But instead tired and drained of energy

Energy needed to get through the day

My PTSD is also strong

Images flash in my mind of things I don’t want to remember

Making me cringe and suddenly feel overwhelmed with fear 

In an instant, it’s like i’m transported back to those moments

Feeling all the same emotions I did during that time, emotions I don’t want to ever feel again but do over and over 

I shake my head, begging the images to leave, but they don’t

Sometimes my mind shows me images of what could have happened instead, which is always worse then what I experienced

These images often make me cry out and tremble

Leaving me paralyzed for however long they decide to play inside my head

Like a horror movie I never asked to see but am forced to experience on repeat

With no stop button in sight to make it go away

I can feel my depression slowly start to creep inside of me

That feeling of hopelessness getting stronger and stronger each day

I feel miserable, hating the life that I am forced to live due to the illnesses that grip my body and soul

I feel disconnected from not only the world around me but from myself

Looking into the mirror and having no recognition of the broken girl staring back at me

Watching my wedding video with tears streaming down my face because I have no emotional connection to that happy girl in a wedding dress

Remembering that was the best night of my life but it feeling like it never even happened to me

I am lost, begging for someone to show me the map needed to get home but knowing no map like that exists

Only I have the ability to create that map and right now, I do not have the tools to do so

That creative spark inside of me that once shown so bright has grown dimmer and dimmer

With each trauma, each illness stomping out a piece of the light in my soul time and time again

Writing, once a safe place and therapeutic tool, now seeming so hard to even do

It’s like the once fluid connection from my mind to my hand has severed itself and no matter how hard I try, the ideas just won’t flow to the page with ease like before

Instead, I struggle to come up with flowing sentences and paragraphs, my mind feeling jumbled 

The imagination in me that once created novels of greatness

Basically destroyed by the harsh reality that is life

Causing my novel ideas and half written stories to remain just that when I once believed they could become so much more

My only true escape is music

Music has always been something that allowed me to disappear from my world

I lean on music more now than I ever have before

Lately, Hamilton has become my number one destination

Constantly listening to and now even watching this truly unbelievable show

I listen to Lin’s poetic words being rapped and sung by angelic voices and in those moments, my mind is at peace

The usually loud voices in my mind that constantly project negativity are drowned out by music and words of pure genius

What it must be like to have a mind so brilliant it can create something so unique out of nothing else but history

But as I listen, I also think of Hamilton’s story

Longing to have that kind of drive, that kind of determination to become someone great

To be able to turn my pain into something beautiful, something that can help others

I ask myself, have I thrown away my shot?

Is it too late to become someone, to make a difference in this world

Or will I eventually die being known as the girl who was always too sick to function

I’m tired of my mind torturing me 

I’m tired of my body always being full of pain

I’m tired of constantly being sick

Of having to cancel plans with friends

I’m tired of this life

But the sad truth is, no matter how many times I try to change things

I always fall back to this spot

I get to the top only to be there for a few moments before it’s down the rabbit hole again

Despite all of this, I still have a sliver of hope that one day, things will be better and will stay better

That I will make something of myself 

That people will know my name and my story

That young girls and boys will be inspired by my determination to survive when I had every reason in the book to give up 

That my failures thus far will pave the way to the biggest triumphs of my life

That Tom and I will have kids and I will be a great mother to them

I hold onto that hope with shaky but firm hands, even on the days where I desperately want to let go because giving in would be so much easier then fighting

But I know its that hope that keeps me going, it’s that hope that keeps me alive

So I hold on, and I will continue to hold on

Because despite everything, despite how shattered I may feel

I know my life is special and worth living

Life is a fragile but beautiful thing and even when the darkness is overwhelming

There is always a small flame of light illuminating within

At times, it may be hidden or harder to find but it is there

Guiding you, providing you with hope, even if you can’t see it

Published by

Chronically Kaylee

Welcome to my lifestyle blog centered around living your life with chronic and mental illness💜 Wifey since 10/28/18💙 Lupus & Fibromyalgia fighter🦋 Anxiety & Borderline Personality Disorder warrior Handler to service floof in training Blue "Don't be ashamed of your story, for it has the power to inspire others"

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