When did I grow up?

When did I grow up?

When did this happen?

When did I stop being that smiling little girl?

When did pain and hurt invade my veins and turn me into this?

This emotional wreck who never seems to do anything right?

This girl who strives for perfection but constantly fucks up?

I’m 22 but I feel so much older

Did I throw away my youth?

I never partied, never got wasted or even high out with my friends

I never hooked up with random guys or flirted with someone just to get what I want

I never experienced real college, the dorming life. Staying up till 1 in the morning talking with your roommate who just happens to be your new best friend.

Did I rush my timeline?

Will I regret this in the future?

Desperately longing for the family I never had, wanting to be a wife and mom as soon as I could to the point, I skipped being young.

Sitting here, three months till my wedding, feeling excited and nervous at the same time

Wondering if we really will last or if I’m just doomed to follow in my parents mistakes?

Have I found my happily ever after or have I thrown away my youth for something that will one day fall apart, leaving me on the floor more broken than I was at the start.

And speaking of my future, what do I want to be?

I know in my heart but reality, anxiety, depression and sadness have all but stomped out that creative spark within my soul.

Writing, my only escape, lately seems so hard to come by

Like the once fluid connection from my mind to my hand has severed itself and no matter how hard I try, the ideas just won’t flow to the page

Am I destined to always be a failure?

Will my kids hate me, will they long for a mother who is normal?

Will my husband stay by my side, or will he one day wander into the arms of another, a woman he actually deserves.

Why do I keep trying?

Sometimes this thought comes into my mind and just when i’ve pushed it back, something happens which brings it to the front once again.

Music lately is my mistake, Hamilton lately is my escape

Listening to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s beautiful written words and angel voice lets me escape from my dreary reality for a little while.

Listening to Hamilton’s story, longing to have his same determination, to have his drive.

Am I throwing away MY shot?

Have I thrown away MY shot?

Constantly waiting for something new, constantly waiting for my big break

I know i’m more than this, I know i’m worth so much more than this

I’m meant to be someone, god dammit, i’m meant to make a difference.

But yet, I sit here, wallowing in my sorrow. Playing the victim, the “oh woah is me card”

I’m ashamed of the person I am, I’m ashamed of the person I’ve always been

How different would my life be if I took chances and did things that fear kept me from?

Would it be better? Would it be worse?

I think of the moments I was on stage

In theatre, getting to be someone else for a couple of hours for all to see

How confident I was in not being me

How fun it was to be performing

And then the sadness hits realizing, I may never step foot on a stage again

Oh when did I grow up?

When did I lose the girl I am?

Oh can’t someone please teach me how to be young

And in doing so, awaken the song within my heart dying to just be sung.

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