Drowning

Drowning

 

I feel like everyday I’m slipping farther and farther away and no matter how hard I try to stay happy and confident, the water always pulls me back down.

I’m drowning, gasping for air but no one can help me.

People try to, my fiance, my mom, my grandma, my therapist, my friends, yet it’s no use.

I continue to drown and lash out.

That happy future I once planned feels like a distant memory now, distorted by the dark murky water.

How can I ever be happy?

Looking from the outside, you’d never know.

My facade has only improved with time.

I appear happy, confident with myself.

Perfect fiance, perfect family, perfect home, perfect life.

However, if you look into my eyes, you’d see the truth.

You’d see a depressed girl, longing to belong, longing to be loved and nurtured.

A girl who knows how lucky she is but whose depression and anger overpowers all the good in her life.

Someone who lashes out at the ones she loves most and then hates herself for it afterwards. I’m drowning and I’m scared that one day, I won’t be strong enough to make it back up for air. That i’ll try but my strength will give out and I’ll sink to the bottom of the sea.

The voice inside my head gets stronger everyday, constantly pushing me back down whenever I emerge from the water.

Like an icy cold bony hand, the words grip my wrist and drag me back down.

You’re worthless, you’re ugly, you’re stupid, you’re fat, you mess up everything,

you don’t deserve love, you don’t deserve happiness, you deserve to be alone,

you deserve to feel pain, you’re nothing but a heartless bitch, you deserve to be hurt,

everyone would be better off without you, you will never belong, you don’t even deserve to live, you will never be a good wife, you will be a horrible mother, just kill yourself already, just end it.

Everyday the voice shouts these words, louder and louder and I become weaker and weaker. I’m drowning and I don’t know how much longer I can continue to breath when water keeps engulfing my lungs.

I long for someone to help me, to save me from the voice and the icy cold sea but deep down I know only I can save myself from its clutches.

There are times though that I question if I can. If I can truly break free from my mind.

Somedays, I feel like giving up.

I feel like letting my mind drag me down until I sink so far that there is no chance of reaching the surface again.

I know I can not do this though.

No, I can’t let the voice win.

I need to fight until my very last breath.

I’m drowning, but I refuse to sink.

2 thoughts on “Drowning

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