Regret…

Regret. A six letter word that can hold so much power over one’s life. I won’t lie, there are many things that I have done, but more that I  haven’t done that I regret in life and it seems as the time goes on, more and more regrets build up. Last night, I went to support my friends as they performed in their show choir concert. For many of them, this would be their last show choir performance as a DCC student and it was bittersweet watching them. From the moment I arrived, I felt a surge of regret hit me. I haven’t seen my friends in months and the first encounter with a few of them was nothing but awkward. One friend in particular who was like a brother to me, greeted me with a hug but the sense of friendship we always once had seemed estranged. As we talked about our hectic lives, I noticed the extreme difference between the two of us. He would talk about performing in shows, organizing drama club events, getting into his next college and passing his music classes while I talked about working, finishing up my online classes, wedding planning and trying to find a home. You know, adult things. From there, the conversation got awkward and I was relieved to know the show would be starting soon so it was time to take my seat. However, at that moment I realized how much I wish I was waiting with them all to perform as well. I had a choice this past spring when it came to my last semester at DCC. I could take actual classes, continue to be in show choir and finish off my year by my friends side or I could take online classes so I could focus on work and making money for Tom and my future. That and a mixture of physical and mental health problems, seemed to make the decision for me much harder. Well, in the end you know which one I chose and up until last night, I thought I made the right choice. But last night, watching them on that stage, it hit me that I should be up there too. When the show was over, I greeted my friends with huge hugs while I held back the tears. Didn’t help that their last song was “you will be found” from Dear Evan Hansen. Though it was awkward before the show, I was happy to see things seemed to go back to normal for me and Christian. Him giving me three hugs and a kiss on the cheek just showed me that though we don’t hang out anymore, that strong friendship is still there. We also agreed we need to hang out this summer and unlike every time before, this time we need to follow through with our plans. Though some of my friends welcomed me with open arms, others completely ignored me and didn’t say a word to me. That’s what hurts the most. Some of these people I was so close with just a year ago and now, they act like I’m nothing more than a stranger. But, I mean that’s life right? If you don’t fit in and do what they do, than you’re a nothing, a nobody, That wasn’t more clear than last night. I left the school feeling depressed, regretful and like a failure. I couldn’t help but think about all the decisions I have made when it came to college. College is supposed to be a pivotal time in someone’s life. When I was younger, I always thought of my college years.You know, knowing exactly what major I wanted to study, meeting lifelong friends who actually care about you, participating in a ton of on campus activities and clubs. But I also knew at a very young age I wanted to become a wife and a mother in my early twenties. When Tom and I got together, we had talked about going off to college together. Both of us went to community college but we always talked about going away to college together to get our Bachelors. But as life continues, that thought grew more and more distant. I was content at DCC. I had made wonderful friends, was a part of the show choir and drama club, and was studying performing arts. I was happy. But I didn’t know how to balance that and working enough to build my future so I gave all that up. To make matters even worse, it took my fourth year at DCC and going to therapy to realize I never should have stopped majoring in psychology. Just another regret to add to the pile of others. I keep trying to see the silver lining, the positive that I can pull but it’s very hard. If I had just doubled major in performing arts and psychology from the start and continued to be active in drama and show choir with my friends I would be graduating alongside my friends this month with two associate degrees. Instead, I’m not even participating in graduation because I feel there is no celebration in just a general studies degree after four years of college. I always try to have a message or lesson within these type of blog posts but the only one I can really pull out of this is, just follow your heart. You’re going to regret the things you never did way more than something you did that turned out to be wrong. If I could, I would rewind time and actually enjoy my college years. It’s too late now…my friends will be going off to a new four-year school and who knows how many I will even keep in touch with… :/  So I need to just accept the descion I made and move past it…I just wish it was as easy to do as it is to say..

 

Well, until next time my darlings,

Kaylee D. ❤

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