Do you know what it is like to feel like you’re constantly in a dream?
To look in a mirror and have no connection with the face looking back at you?
Can you imagine the frustration one might feel when nothing around them even feels real?
I know the feeling because I suffer from that feeling all the time.
The feeling of being in a fog or trapped inside a fishbowl, shielded from the rest of the world. And no matter how hard you try to tell your brain you’re real and this is real, it doesn’t make a difference.
The people around you, strangers and loved ones alike all look just a little off now.
Your surroundings have a dream-like aura to them and you feel like you’re going crazy.
You just want to lock yourself in your room, away from the rest of the world until you start to feel normal again.
Lights seem much brighter than usual, causing your eyes and head to hurt.
Your hands don’t even resemble your hands anymore but instead hands of a stranger you once knew so well but now can’t recognize.
You look in the mirror but the tired face looking back at you doesn’t look like your own.
No, you don’t recognize those brown eyes filled with emotion.
It’s like looking at a photograph of someone you don’t know yet deep down you know that it’s you.
You start to fact check yourself within your mind.
Stating your name, your birth date, your fiance’s name, your future wedding date.
You begin to panic because even though you’ve answered those questions just fine now, you’re scared one day you won’t remember.
You don’t feel like a person anymore but instead a robot, going through the motions.
Your voice even sounds weird and the words your mouth produce feel programmed and unrecognizable.
Living like this isn’t living, it’s just existing.
You wonder if you’ll ever feel normal again and as the days turn into weeks, and the weeks into months, you start to fear that this time this feeling won’t leave and you’ll be trapped as a living zombie for the rest of your life.
You want to smile and be happy but you can’t shake the feeling.
You cry and scream out but how can anyone understand?
If you even told anyone they would think you were crazy!
How can one not feel real? How can one not feel a connection to their self?
Yet, that is how I feel.
Looking in from the outside on my life.
Feeling trapped within my mind and not recognizing me
All while constantly wondering, will I ever break free?